Monday, January 17, 2011

Winter Blahs

The winter blues have finally hit. Hard. Things in life havent helped, and even my dream last night woke me up in a bad mood. At least the sun came out for awhile today...didnt help my blahs much, but it was nice to see.

I'm a bit depressed. I dont really know what has happened to cause this funk. Starting a bit before Thanksgiving, things started to look up. Life was going well, the job was good, the kids were happy...The hectic fall was over and we could relax a bit. Friends would come over.

But now I'm not sure whats going on. I know I've been vague...I really dont know who reads this (if anyone), but I guess I dont care anymore. I need a place to vent.
I'm not sure why my friend is being distant. Or at least it seems like it. I think I'm a pretty good people reader, so this is driving me crazy. When he's been here, he doesnt seem to want to leave. Is it because he likes the peacefulness of being here over the noise of the city? Is it the company? Is it just not wanting to go back out in the cold? I just dont know anymore. He's never been great about emailing...but it had gotten to be about once a week. Now its backed off again. Maybe I just dont have a clue about people...
All I really want to know is if there's any chance at all that we might date and see if there's anything here. If not, then I can move forward. But, I dont want to do anything else until I know for sure. I feel like I've waited for this chance for 21 years, so I cant let it pass again without knowing for sure. I just cant. I cant live with the "what ifs" anymore. But I'm a chicken. I cant come out and ask. And I'm not forward enough to "make a move", lol. I've invited him over, he's come. I thought we had a nice time...I even gave him an out when he showed up not feeling too well, and he ended up staying til almost 10pm. So why cant I read this? My patience is not good right now. I keep telling myself, I'm still legally married, if only on paper. (Hasn't stopped Mike from moving on...) I have 4 kids that come along with me. Thats a huge thing to ask someone to consider. (Of course, he keeps telling me the next time he comes he'd like the girls to be here so he can bring music and videos/movies to share with them. Another sign I seem to be misreading.) So what gives? I could be a lot more patient if I knew there was a chance. I can wait knowing there's going to be a "next time". But it doesnt seem to be happening like it started to unfold. And it bothers me a little more each day.

I also worry about things like whether the girls would want to ever go live with their dad. I just dont know what goes on in their heads. I'm almost positive Maddy wouldnt. She's my girl through and through. She had the chance to stay there last night, but asked if she please could come home. But what about the other girls? I dont know what I'd do w/o them. I love them dearly, and they really are my life right now. So its just something else that nags at me.

But since I'm a positive optimistic person, I'm going to finish with something happier. A friend came down for lunch today, and we wandered through the house looking for projects we can work on for little money. (Lord knows there's plenty of things that need done!) We're starting in the big bathroom. I NEED that shower done so I can fix mine. Its just becomming too much sharing my little shower. So we looked at what needs done, what I can do, what she can help me with, and what her husband can to (plumbing, electric). I cant wait to get started on that. (Even if the rest of the bathroom has to wait, at least we'll have a second functioning shower.)
The next project will be Ali's bedroom. I have the 2x4s to frame most of it. Her husband can come run wire to put in outlets and a ceiling light. Then it will have to wait til I can get the rest of the materials...but if I can slowly get a few things here and there, maybe she can have a room sooner rather than later. I'm so excited things are moving in the right direction here.

Only 2 1/2 months til spring. :)

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