Saturday, January 22, 2011

What am I Missing?

Another day, another no show.

Can someone please enlighten me? I should post part of the email to see if I'm misunderstanding something. I thought, unless there was overtime involved, that he would be here last night. But "he would let me know" whats going on. No word. No email. No phone call. That just makes me crazy. I know people have things going on...going in to work at 3am, dental work, etc. But really, how hard is it to send just a quick message saying yes or no? I know he's done this to other friends. He'll say he'll meet them somewhere and then not show up. No call or anything. So why did I think it would be different with me? I should know. My luck doesnt go any other way.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Winter Blahs

The winter blues have finally hit. Hard. Things in life havent helped, and even my dream last night woke me up in a bad mood. At least the sun came out for awhile today...didnt help my blahs much, but it was nice to see.

I'm a bit depressed. I dont really know what has happened to cause this funk. Starting a bit before Thanksgiving, things started to look up. Life was going well, the job was good, the kids were happy...The hectic fall was over and we could relax a bit. Friends would come over.

But now I'm not sure whats going on. I know I've been vague...I really dont know who reads this (if anyone), but I guess I dont care anymore. I need a place to vent.
I'm not sure why my friend is being distant. Or at least it seems like it. I think I'm a pretty good people reader, so this is driving me crazy. When he's been here, he doesnt seem to want to leave. Is it because he likes the peacefulness of being here over the noise of the city? Is it the company? Is it just not wanting to go back out in the cold? I just dont know anymore. He's never been great about emailing...but it had gotten to be about once a week. Now its backed off again. Maybe I just dont have a clue about people...
All I really want to know is if there's any chance at all that we might date and see if there's anything here. If not, then I can move forward. But, I dont want to do anything else until I know for sure. I feel like I've waited for this chance for 21 years, so I cant let it pass again without knowing for sure. I just cant. I cant live with the "what ifs" anymore. But I'm a chicken. I cant come out and ask. And I'm not forward enough to "make a move", lol. I've invited him over, he's come. I thought we had a nice time...I even gave him an out when he showed up not feeling too well, and he ended up staying til almost 10pm. So why cant I read this? My patience is not good right now. I keep telling myself, I'm still legally married, if only on paper. (Hasn't stopped Mike from moving on...) I have 4 kids that come along with me. Thats a huge thing to ask someone to consider. (Of course, he keeps telling me the next time he comes he'd like the girls to be here so he can bring music and videos/movies to share with them. Another sign I seem to be misreading.) So what gives? I could be a lot more patient if I knew there was a chance. I can wait knowing there's going to be a "next time". But it doesnt seem to be happening like it started to unfold. And it bothers me a little more each day.

I also worry about things like whether the girls would want to ever go live with their dad. I just dont know what goes on in their heads. I'm almost positive Maddy wouldnt. She's my girl through and through. She had the chance to stay there last night, but asked if she please could come home. But what about the other girls? I dont know what I'd do w/o them. I love them dearly, and they really are my life right now. So its just something else that nags at me.

But since I'm a positive optimistic person, I'm going to finish with something happier. A friend came down for lunch today, and we wandered through the house looking for projects we can work on for little money. (Lord knows there's plenty of things that need done!) We're starting in the big bathroom. I NEED that shower done so I can fix mine. Its just becomming too much sharing my little shower. So we looked at what needs done, what I can do, what she can help me with, and what her husband can to (plumbing, electric). I cant wait to get started on that. (Even if the rest of the bathroom has to wait, at least we'll have a second functioning shower.)
The next project will be Ali's bedroom. I have the 2x4s to frame most of it. Her husband can come run wire to put in outlets and a ceiling light. Then it will have to wait til I can get the rest of the materials...but if I can slowly get a few things here and there, maybe she can have a room sooner rather than later. I'm so excited things are moving in the right direction here.

Only 2 1/2 months til spring. :)

Saturday, January 15, 2011


Weekends without kids give me a lot of time to sit and think. Not sure thats such a good thing. I was having a conversation with a friend last night and he gave me something to think about. I dont really think ahead to weekends w/o kids, so when they get here, I have nothing to do. I said I'll have to get used to this, and he said if I get used to it, life will just pass me by. Thats not exactly what I meant I had to get used to...I meant I needed to think ahead so I could make plans for my weekends alone, but he made a good point none the less.

I went to get groceries tonight, and on my way home I started thinking more. (WAY too much time for that this weekend, lol.) I was thinking about my friends. If someone asked me who my best friend is, I'm not sure I have an answer. I have many friends, and even people I consider good friends, but as far as a best friend...I just dont know. And I think thats sad.

On a better note, I'm still moving ahead with my life transformation. I now have a fridge full of healthy foods. I think its going to help so much having the exercise group for support. Its hard to do it alone, but guilt is a powerful thing, lol.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Where do I go?

Ahhh, gotta love stress...

Now I know why God "held" my paycheck til today... I'm going to need it. I also got another paycheck today (for tomorrow), and its the one from the 5 days of Christmas break. That hurts a LOT! That entire check is going to pay the down payment for my house insurance. Ugh!

I still have the septic bill to pay. I might just have to make payments. I'm SO glad the gas and electric bills are paid ahead. I'm still going to pay something on them, but it cant be a lot. How long can I keep doing this? When is reality going to kick me in the head and say "wake up...what are you doing with your life?". Ugh! If it wasn't for the missing pay over Christmas break, I wouldnt feel so bad. But still...I cant keep going this way. I have to figure out something else.

My hope is Mike either gets the job he interviews for so he can pay a bit more child support, or his SSD goes through so we get something from that. I dont need a lot, just enough to not have to worry about things so much.

I love my job. I love how close it is. I love that I'm with the girls, that I work the same days they go to school, that I still feel involved. I really dont want to give that up. But I'm not sure what else I can do....

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Still Going...

Things are still going well for the most part. Still going to exercise, and still realizing I need some wrist weights. I found some online I think I'd like to get...they're at Kmart. Now just to get there...

Of course, it would help if I'd ever get my paycheck! I still havent gotten the one from Christmas break. I'm doing ok with money, and payday is Friday, but I'd like to get the bills paid. I guess this is a lesson in how far you can really stretch a dollar!

Then there's always the other situation. :) Its such a rollercoaster ride. A lot of days I feel good about things, and then other days there's a huge cloud of doubt hanging over me. Honestly, I'm not really fretting about it. (Its not causing me stress like it might have once up on a time...) What will be will be. I'd just like to know if there's a chance. Is it worth the time and effort? There were things said in the past that keep me hopeful...but a lot of time has passed. Things change.
Its funny how different things are now. I know what it used to feel like, the excitement, the anticipation... Its not the same now. Not that I dont look forward to things, thats not it at all. But its a deeper feeling, a sense of fulfillment... completeness. Its comfortable. Easy.

Patience. Not my strongest suit. ;) Time. I have lots of it. Guess I'll just have to use both the best way I can.

Friday, January 7, 2011


I just dont know what to do right now. Its making me a bit crazy. I hide it well. :)

Monday, January 3, 2011

Day One Down!

Today was a decent day. I'm not going to say it was great...I had some chips at dinnertime, but overall, I'll take it. I had a fresh orange for lunch, and fresh veggies (with dip) for dinner. Thats probably as much as I had the entire Christmas break. (groan) I also drank a lot of water!

I also went to my first exercise class with the church group. I didnt expect it to be quite that involved. My legs are going to pay for it tomorrow. It feels GOOD! I'd like to get some light wrist weights to wear while we do it so I can tone my arms a bit more. But overall, I'm looking forward to going back and seeing some progress! (I also heard talk of a 5K walk the first weekend in February. I wouldnt mind doing that with them. I'd eventually like to run one.)

So overall I'm happy with my first day of my life transformation.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year!

So many thoughts running around in my head right now. Last week I started thinking about all that has happened last year, good and bad, and what I'd like to see change/different for this year.

Right now I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with life. I feel like I've been doing ok for us, but now I get a bill from the septic people for doing nothing (that I know of---but yet my septic is still uncovered), and I'm facing either a new system or major work on this one. How in the world am I going to be able to pay for that? January is going to be a tough month. My paycheck from Friday will be missing 2 days pay for snow days. The next one in 2 weeks will only be for 5 days. So things are going to be tight. I'm soooooo thankful for the photo sessions I had this fall. They helped a ton with Christmas. I think I really have to sit down and consider that as a more serious money making opportunity for me. I already have a camera, backdrops/stand, etc. I just need to practice and advertise more. It could make the difference if having to look for a different "permanent" job, and being able to keep my job at the school.

Of course there's the "typical" get healthier/lose weight resolution... I'm not going to say thats mine. I want a whole new lifestyle. I'm not going to say, "I want to eat better. I want to lose weight. I want to exercise." For this year I'm going to say, "I'm going to eat better. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to exercise." I'm doing it for me. But not just for me---I want to be a better mom. No, wait...I'm going to be a better mom. I cant afford to do a lot of things with the girls, such as movies or amusement parks, etc. But I can afford to take them hiking or biking or swimming, etc. But I want/need to be comfortable doing that. I also want to start doing more family things in the playing games or just hanging out together. I want to have a family meeting tomorrow when all guests are gone and its just us here again. I want less fighting. Less yelling. Less arguing. Less stress.

***And there will be less computer time for all!***

Then there's another issue... I really want to save enough money to file the dissolution papers. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of having that tie still there. I'd like to move on. (There's more to this part of the story, but I'm just not sure how to say it on here...)

So I have a lot of things I want to change. I know its not going to be easy, and its not going to happen over night, but I have to get the kids on board too.