One Year

One year ago today Mike moved out...and it changed my life forever.

Up until the last few months, I've felt like I've been on the longest roller coaster ride of my life. But a couple months ago, I sat down and did some soul searching, and have gotten off that ride! Dont get me wrong, life is still a struggle. But at least now I'm enjoying it. I'm doing what's right for me and the girls. We're happy. We're not walking on eggshells. I hope we're having some fun.
I'm in a better place.

Now that emotions are better in check, I need to get the rest of the pieces in place. I had a talk with my principal last week, and without coming right out and saying it, she strongly encouraged me to see what it would take to get my license reinstated. And once I do, let our curriculum director know because they hire Title teachers in August. Hmmmm.... So I did check into it, and I need 12 credits, and then I need to fill out an application. I'm going to have to do it online, and so far I've checked with U of A to see if they offer that. I'm still waiting for an answer. The last thing I really want to do is take classes, but I cant continue to stay where I'm at. I just cant provide for my family. So we'll see what happens.

I feel things are looking up!

Starting the Busy Time

Stupid headaches! I've had a headache now for over a week. It comes and goes each day, but I really think I've had one every day. I dont want to go to the dr, but its getting to the point where I'm not sure what to do... We're all finally healthy (knock on wood). We never get sick, and now that I have a job, we all got sick (well, not the big girls thankfully). And speaking of jobs, I'm hoping to get another part time one. I've heard Janet is going to retire from cleaning the church. I'm not sure when, but I've already told Jack that I'm interested if/when that happens. That would help a LOT! Not sure how much it pays, but anything would help at this point. We've started the busy season again. Alexis had her first soccer game on Saturday. She played really well, even though her team did pretty bad. She played defense this time, and I think she was more aggressive there than when she plays forward. I was impressed. Livi has had her first softball practice---just one so far due to the weather. Maddy was supposed to have her first t-ball practice tonight but it got rained out. The 3 of us were outside practicing a bit yesterday. It was 84* and sunny! I think Mom has finally decided to see about getting on disability. I've been suggesting for awhile that she sell her house and add on an apartment to mine. I think maybe she's finally leaning that way. She's been thinking about a lot of things, and is worried about blocking the new windows I just put in, but that really doesnt concern me. Her house is too big, needs too much work and upkeep, and no one is there if she needs something. Plus, the church has already offered to buy hers if/when she ever wants to sell. So it seems as if all the stars are aligning for that.

Ha!

So much for that last post... That afternoon I found out my aunt was taking my mom back to Columbus to the hospital with a 102* fever. I guess they never figured out where it came from, but they replaced her G-tube (to her stomach) and her PIC line. They had to make sure it was working right before they let her come home, so she ended up staying in until Friday evening. Madelyn had another ear infection, this time in the other ear. She also had borderline pneumonia, so she gave her a stronger antibiotic. Wednesday she really wasnt any better, so I decided to stay home with her on Thursday. By then I wasnt feeling all that well either, and felt even worse on Friday, but we both went back to school. Then Saturday I spent most of the day in bed, getting up to do laundry and make dinner. Dad, Maureen and Sis were supposed to come on Saturday, but Dad had to replace the hot water heater...guess that really worked out for the best. They came yesterday instead (just Dad and Sis), and I was feeling somewhat better. We went out for lunch, then I made a banana cake with fudge frosting for dessert. It was great! They went back today. I'm still somewhat stuffed up, have just a bit of a cough, and still sound funny, but pretty much on the mend.

Going Well

Most things anyway... Mom is doing well. She continues to improve, and even got to go see Grandpa yesterday. I think they were both very happy to see each other! She's been eating soft foods and drinking more. Livi starts softball next week. She's really nervous, as this is the first year the kids pitch. She's a really good little player. I hope she sticks with it, as both older girls have moved on to other things. :( (Well, Brenna only played one year ever...) Maddy starts t-ball the next week. Its her first year. She could have played last year, but I felt it was going to be too much with the 3 other girls doing other things, so we waited an extra year. I think she'll have fun. I'm doing good as well. I finally hit the 15 pound lost mark! I did the slimfast thing for the first couple weeks, but I know I cant do that forever. So I've been trying new (and healthier) things, and its working so far. I'm not expecting 5 pound losses each week, but as long as it stays on the downward trend, I'm ok with that. The only negative to report at the moment is Maddy is sick---again. She came home from school Friday with a fever. She stayed home with me all weekend while the girls went to their dad's. She didnt run a fever again until yesterday after school. Today I'm staying home with her and taking her to the dr. This is the same way she acted last time when she had the ear infection. Fever, then none for a couple days, then fever...and just not getting better. I hope its nothing, but yet I hope there's something they can give her so she feels better. She hasnt eaten more than a couple bites of anything since Friday, but at least she's drinking. Guess we'll see what they have to say today...

Spring Program

Tonight was the spring program at the elementary school. It was called Bugz, and was really cute. Maddy had a one line solo in her part of the program, and Livi had a solo in the main program. They did great!

Its been so nice the last week. It sounds like we're in for some colder wetter weather again now... possibly even some snow. :( I'm ready for it to just stay nice now!

Answer Please

Just a yes or no would be nice. Don't make me guess. Don't speak in code. Just yes...or no.

Smile

Today we took Mom for a check-up. The dr was really surprised at how well she's doing. She was grimmacing a bit when she got out of the chair to walk to the table, and he asked if she should be back in the hospital and she said "Heavens no!". He said that was a good answer. He said her incision looked great! Nice and pink and healthy. She got one of her drains out, but still has 2 left. She's allowed to drink more, and drink other things now, she can have jello, and in a couple weeks she can start trying toast. She doesnt need to go back for 2 months unless something comes up.

I'm into week 4 of weight loss/healthier eating. So far I'm down 14lbs. I'll take it. I'm really excited to get this going, finally. I have lots of motivation this time...and one thing in particular. :) The only thing I'm having trouble with is getting C25K started. I wanted to start yesterday, and 6:00 am is the best time for me to fit it in, but I just couldnt get myself out of bed. I'm having trouble sleeping the last couple weeks, and I just cant seem to get up with any energy at all. Then I had to drive carpool last night, ended up with a headache, so I just never got on the treadmill. I need to force myself. Its something I really want to do, but getting started is just not fun, lol.

Maybe I need to post a picture somewhere of why I want to do all this...

Happiness is...

...going out for the evening and coming home to a clean house.

...going out for the evening.

...taking a good friend out to celebrate his birthday after a very long week.

...texting with my chicklets so they know I love them and am thinking about them.

...learning a lot from a book I'm reading.

...living in the moment.

Get a Grip

I need to just get a grip on my life and emotions. I'm letting things get all mixed up together, and then get overly emotional and irrational about things because I cant sort them out. I've done a lot of thinking the last few days, and I think what I've figured out is: I'm where I want to be. I dont want to try to work things out with Mike. Its been bad longer than it was good. Too many feelings have been hurt. We're actually getting along now, and can have a good relationship to show the girls, even if its not living together. We've both learned a lot since we've split...what we did wrong, what we could improve, what we could fix, (what we can do different next time) etc. But thats not entirely everything. Besides the emotional part of things, there's also the physical, and thats not something I can fix. Its not something I want with him, and I cant pretend for the rest of my life. And I'm not in love with him anymore. At best guess, I probably never was. I thought I was. I was infatuated. And thats not fair to either of us. Its not at all how I set out for things to be, but its how things are working out.
So why all the personal drama over the weekend? Because its what he represents that I miss. I miss the affection. I miss being close with someone. I miss having someone to lean on, to take care of, just to talk to. I'm missing something in my life. (The thing is, its been missing for much longer than I've been separated.)

It feels like a weight has been lifted. I feel like my head has cleared some. I feel a little more at peace. Maybe I can better accept a few things that have happened lately and just be thankful.

I'm on the right path.

Drama Anyone?

Of course its my own drama. Doesnt really involve anyone else, at least not that they know.

Dh was here last night for over 2 hours. Most of that time we spent talking with me. I have no clue whats up. Things have been less stressful family wise since he moved out. I yell at the girls sometimes (which I really need to stop), but its not like it was when we were all together. But there have been low points too. So last night during our chat, it came up as to whether or not we are fixable. Now? After 10 months apart? And him having a g/f for the last 7 or so? Really? He thinks I want to try to work things out. I dont know if I do or not. Its easier to talk to him now, he's nicer when he's here (most of the time), but what if we would try to work it out....would we just fall back into the same old bad habits and end up where we are now anyway? I do want him to be happy. What if what he has with his gf will make him happy? If we try again and dont work, then he doesnt have me or her. I told him even if I did want to work things out, I wouldnt say anything. I feel that he's obviously moved on. Why should I ruin that? Part of me feel that 16 years was a waste. Thats a LONG time to waste in the big picture of life. I mean, I got my girls out of it, and I wouldnt trade that for the world, but still... Is it worth trying to fix? I just dont know what to do. In my heart, I really dont think we can be fixed, but should it be a priority to try? Like I dont have enough stress....

And then there's my mom. They told her on Thursday she'd be in 4-5 more days. Then Friday they walked in and said "see ya". So she's at aunt Jackie's. I havent gotten the whole story yet, but it sounded like they wanted her to go into nursing care somewhere for awhile first, but no one arranged it so she came home. I'm going to see her after lunch. Dr Martin is great, but the after care there isn't all that great, and it seems like no one talks to each other about what the plan is. They always say one things as to when she's being released, then walk in one day and say "you're going home today". It would be nice if we had time to make a plan! But she's home anyway, and a home health nurse is coming in once a day. All I say is she better not get sick from them letting her go too soon, or to a place she's not ready to be!

And to top it off, they rejected my taxes. Ugh!

What's Next?

No school today. Surprised? How about if I say it was in the 50s yesterday and this morning? And it rained overnight. A lot. On top of 6-8" of snow. And now everything is flooded. Its a mess!
Alexis and I went to town to get groceries. We got there with no trouble, then went to the BMV to pick up a paper to get Mom's license plates. Then the trouble started. We tried to get home. Every road heading south, east or west was closed. We drove around for 30 minutes, turning around, trying other ways....before we finally got out of town. The road to Holmesville is closed. The road in front of the other Walmart is flooded. Things are just a mess.

Mom is still doing good. Her scope is tomorrow. The girls and I are going down Wednesday after school for her b-day. We wont be able to stay long, but I'd really like to see her on her b-day, and I think she'll like to see the girls. We picked up a couple mylar balloons today to take along too. And Chad will be there.

In other good news, I decided last week to really work on this stupid weight loss. I can come up with excuse after excuse and keep putting it off or saying I'll start next week or after this or that. Well, it never comes. So, its time. For real. For good. Even with spending a night in Columbus last week, eating out several times, going back to Columbus 3 other times, I still lost 7 lbs. If I pay attention to what and more importantly, how much I eat, I can do this. I know its unreasonable to expect to keep up that pace, but I'm hoping for good numbers at least for awhile to keep the motivation up. I also want to get my treadmill back from the other house so I can start C25K again. I have that desire to run. (What is wrong with me and where is that coming from???)

Long Week

Tuesday ended up being a snow day. Ugh! Will it ever end? Aunt Jackie, Aunt Bobbi and I went to Columbus around 1:00. Mom was still in ICU, but seemed a little more with it. She would talk some and knew a little more about what was going on. We spent the night down there, and when we got to the hospital Weds they already had the ICU discharge papers. Visiting hours are over at 2, and she hadnt moved yet. We went back at 5 for the next visiting, and they were just wheeling her out. So she was moved to the James. Two things about this concerned her...first she asked if she was in the James, did that mean the pathology report showed cancer? No. And the nurses reassured her of this. Its also a surgical floor, and thats where they had planned to take her. The pathology report isnt back yet. The second thing she asked me was if she was schizophrenic. She said she heard her ICU nurse tell the orderly transporting her to be careful with her because she's schizophrenic. Hmmm. I'm wondering if she really heard that, or if she misunderstood what she said. I mean, my mom says some crazy things when she wakes up from the anesthesia and meds, but she's fine. It really bothered her though.
Today she is off oxygen, and they took the NG tube out, which I'm sure she's thrilled about. They also put an IV in her arm, and when they're sure its doing its job, they'll take the central line out of her neck. I think she goes in next Tuesday to do the bladder scope and possibly place a stent. I thought if they did that then they'd take the kidney drain out, but Chad doesnt know if thats right or not. So we'll see. I'm going back down tomorrow.

Today was yet another snow day. I am soooo sick of snow! Really, enough is enough. The girls were awful today. They fight, back talk, wont do the few chores they have, etc. It has worn on me to the point that I broke down after they left with their dad. I think all the stress of Mom, them, taking care of things here, etc...it was just too much. I really need to sit them down and explain a few things to them. I cant keep going like this. My friend told me this week his best friend had a heart attack Sunday night. He's only a year older than me. Thats scary. Thankfully it was a mild one, but they're saying stress was a factor. Great. One more thing to worry about.

I want to be happy. I want to be a better mom to my kids. I dont know how to change things. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.

What a Day

It actually started at 12:20 this morning. The phone rang, which is never a good thing at that time of the morning. I didnt recognize the number, so I almost didnt answer it, and then realized it was a Columbus number. It was Mom. She was saying something wasnt right there, that she was doing the same things over and over, that she was watching the same movie over and over. I tried to explain that in ICU they have to do their "routine" every hour, so it seems like she's going over the same things again and again. I asked her if she knew what time it was, and she said 20 after 12. I asked her if she knew it was midnight, and she said yes. So something had to be really bothering her to call me at that time. I talked to her nurse, and he said she woke up agitated and anxious, but was able to answer his questions. He said she seemed a bit confused about where she was and why, but she was ok.
Then I got another call at 6 this morning. When I answered, the first thing she said was, "Oh, it is you". Like she didnt expect it to be me that answered. I asked her if she was ok, and she said she just wanted to make sure she was in the James. I told her yes, she had moved from ICU to her room last night. It seemed like she thought they moved her somewhere and we werent going to be able to find her. I asked her if she wanted me to come down, and she said no, but seemed relieved when I told her Chad was going down today.
So Chad gets there just in time to find them putting her on a guerney for more surgery. The doc called me because he didnt feel she was coherent enough to consent to the surgery. She needed a tube put in to drain her kidney because they think she has a leak in her urinary tract. They put a tube in her throat during surgery, and had a hard time with that. So when she came out, they left it in (in case of an emergency) and put her back in ICU. If her vitals are stable overnight, they'll take the tube out and take her to a room tomorrow morning.
To top it all off, I'm stuck here at home. After being 60+ degrees on Friday, it snowed like a blizzard here this afternoon. I cant imagine there will even be school tomorrow, but if there is, I have a sub lined up so I can head to Columbus. As soon as the roads are clear enough tomorrow, I'm heading down. I'm not sure if I'll come home tomorrow, or wait til Wednesday. I just hate being so far away.

To make today even stranger, I got a prank call this morning at 6 as well. Some guy random dialed me looking for some "phone fun". Geesh, I'm almost 40 years old. I just kept thinking, if he knew who he called, he'd hang up awfully quick, lol. Instead he called at least 50 times. I didnt give him what he was looking for, and didnt answer all the calls, but I thought it was a bit funny.

Definitely hoping for a better tomorrow all around.

Lots to Post

Maddy is finally on the mend. Hope we can all stay healthy now.

Mom had surgery Friday. It was a long day. We got to the hospital at 5:30, went up to pre-op just after 6, and Mom went into surgery at 7:30. She went to recovery at 3:30. But...things weren't quite as they planned. The mass was not on her liver. It was beside it. And they dont think it was cancerous. Apparantly the top of her colon had a leak, and it formed this mass. So they removed it, sewed up the hole, and somehow connected part of her colon to her stomach, so her stomach drains in two places now. I guess she has a stent in her stomach (?) that will have to be removed in a few weeks. Not sure on those details though. I just dont know a whole lot yet. Today she was sitting in the chair a lot of the time I was there, but slept a lot too. They said they have her ICU discharge papers, and as soon as a bed was available, they'd move her to the James. Chad is going down tomorrow. I told him to ask a lot of questions. Hopefully they'll know more since we're back to weekdays. No one knows anything on weekends.

I think I'm letting something bother me more than I think it is. I had a dream last night, and it wasnt something I even want to be thinking about. And I didnt know it was really getting to me that much. But if its not, then why am I dreaming things like that? I dont think its really whats there thats bothering me, its reminding me what I dont have that is.

Calgon...

Actually, I should say Lysol, take me away...or take the germs away!

We had Ali and Maddy's birthday party yesterday. After several phone calls, some of the people decided not to come because Maddy was running a fever of 103*. Ugh! But some still came. Maddy didnt move from the chair in the family room, except to open her gifts. :) The rest of the time she stayed there covered up resting.

I decided to take her temperature before bed in case she needed more medicine, and her fever was 104.4! So I called Mom, and she said to take her to the ER. So off we went. Thankfully we got right in, and were only gone maybe 1 1/2 hours, but it ends up she has an ear infection. I think it started 2 weeks ago when she was sick over the snow days. But she stopped complaining, and even still says her ears dont hurt. So she is now on 10 days of antibiotics. One of the funniest things about going last night was when the nurse came in with 2 small cups of medicine. To say Maddy is horrible about taking medicine is an understatement. So she gives her the first cup and gets her a popcicle. She sips. Gags. Threatens to have to give her more if she pukes. Then tells her if she doesnt drink the meds, she'll have to give her a shot. Maddy takes another sip, then looks at the nurse and says, "I'll take the shot.". I thought I was going to die laughing, and I thought the nurse was going to fall off her stool. No shot, but she eventually drank the meds (20 minutes later!). I just hope this makes her better now.

So I took my first whole sick day to stay home with her today. I'm afraid to go back tomorrow. My sub called 3 times before lunch! Its the one 2 other librarians complained about at our meeting on Friday. Ugh! I think Maddy will stay home again tomorrow, but Aunt Jackie is coming to stay with her. I dont have any classes tomorrow, just the intervention, so its dumb to get a sub, but its my short day and I might get out a bit early.

Oh the joys of parenting. They just never end. :)

And so it begins...

Ali is on her first date. I'm excited for her, but not for me, lol. I cant be the mom of a girl old enough to date. Granted, his parents took them to a movie, but still... She's just growing up too fast!

Maddy is sick again. She's running a fever tonight, and asked to go to bed at 5:30! She made it til about 6:45, but has been sound asleep since then. Poor kid! I hope she gets up feeling better tomorrow. I'm having hers and Ali's b-day party here Sunday. I'm going to be disinfecting everything tomorrow. I'm tired of us being sick. We rarely get sick, so this is really dragging us down! (At least Maddy is waiting til no-school days to get sick!)

Happy birthday Ali!

Alexis turned 14 today. Just saying that makes me feel old. I cant believe I'm the mom of a 14 year old. I mean, she came home this week with papers to schedule her high school classes for next year. Sniff sniff. Makes me so sad. She's just growing up too fast! She even has a "date" Friday. Her boyfriend asked her to go to the movie. Unfortunately its her dad's weekend, and she doesnt want him to know about said bf, so I told her to tell him friends are going to the movie and want her to go, and would it be ok to just go to his house when she gets home.... I would be mad if they were keeping things like this from me, but I cant help but be on her side with this. He reacts so badly to things like this. Yes, I worry about her. I talk to her. I want her to make good decisions. But she also needs the chance to do that on her own. I can only hope I'm raising her with good judgement and values.
I love her dearly!

How Many Days...?

How many days til spring? The groundhog said it's going to be an early spring. I'll believe it when I see it. The ice we got during the week is still here, and it was sleeting again this morning. Then snow. And we're under a winter weather advisory for today until 8 pm. Groan. I'm so tired of winter. I dont really think I usually get that tired of winter, but this year it is wearing on me big time. I think having to chip my car out from under 1+" of ice this week was the last straw. (That took an hour!)

So, I'm ready for spring any time. Please be right Mr. Groundhog. My sanity is depending on it this year.

Wordless Wednesday: Snow Day

(I'd like to start doing this each week. We'll see how long it lasts...These were taken with my phone, so not so great...)

Updates

Snow day #6. (Actually we should call this ice day. We got no snow, but a lot of ice covering everything.) That means we make up Presidents day, and 2 days of spring break. I wont complain. I dont get paid for today, but its one day in a 2 week paycheck. I'll at last get 2 days pay during spring break now.
The good thing to having a snow day today---Maddy is sick. She woke up and threw up. At least she (and I) doesnt have to miss a day of school for it. I hope she feels better if we go back tomorrow. I feel so bad when my kiddos are sick.

And speaking of sick, Mom got the results of her CAT scan on Thursday. They found another spot. :( She also has an enlarged liver, and they think thats a result of her chemo. I think they're going to do a biopsy of that at some point. And, she's also collecting fluid in her abdomen and they dont know why. She had a PET scan yesterday, and will find out the results on Friday. Hopefully by then they'll know whats going on, and if she has to head back to Columbus.

On a brighter note, Pam and I got 2 walls framed and put up for Ali's room on Saturday. It feels good to make that progress. Chris was also working in the bathroom. He didnt get it done, but one more work day and I should have a bathtub. Then to figure out what to do with the shower...