Hard

Today was a very hard day. I had the papers to sign to give the house back to my grandpa, so we could go through all the steps to get it back to me legally and w/o taxes and such. The problem was, Mike had to sign off too. When I first told him, he was ok with it. But then sometime this week he got a burr up his butt about something, and decided he didnt want to sign. He wanted $10,000 for his troubles. Um, really? This is so my grandpa can stay in the nursing home and get the care he needs and deserves. Plus, we agreed this would be my house and that one would be his. So whats the big deal??? I was so stressed out today, talking to him, yelling at him, texting him, etc. I was on the verge of tears many times. I didnt want the girls to see how bad this was affecting me, but I'm sure they did. Plus I had a friend's kids here, so I didnt want it to be awful. But it was. Thankfully it all worked out, and he finally signed. It should be back to me, but they need to be filed with the lawyer now. I'm SO glad to have that out of the way. There really isn't anything else he could take from me that means this much, except the girls of course, but they wouldn't go if he decides to fight me for them.

Then to top it off, my friend was supposed to come over tomorrow, and now we need to reschedule. He had family show up unexpectedly from out of state, so understandably he wants to spend some time with them. But I sure could have used the distraction... Another day soon though.

Guess I'll crank the Christmas tunes tomorrow and make the place look festive! I am going to be happy for the holidays! :)

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I've been looking forward to it for quite some time now. Its going to be different...I only have one place to go this year. And I'm looking forward to that too. So much has changed this year, and I have so much to be thankful for...

-My relationship with God continues to grow
-My mom remains cancer free
-I have 4 beautiful, healthy girls that mean the world to me
-I have a nice warm house to live in
-I'm part of a great family
-I have a job I like
-I have wonderful friends

I could keep going, but those are the basics.

Of course, those wonderful girls like to keep things interesting... Today at school things were crazy. It was the Thanksgiving feast, where the whole school eats together in the gym. Then everyone goes out for recess at the same time. The kids were really good being out there for so long together. But, about 5-10 minutes into recess, I saw the playground aide walking Livi back to this side of the playground. They got part way over, and Livi knelt down. I figured something was wrong, so I went over. I looked at her and she had a HUGE goose egg on her forehead. So I took her in to get some ice. She said she wasnt dizzy (but had been after it happened) and didnt feel sick, so at the end of recess she went back to her class. Its still pretty ugly, and continues to get green/blue. Should be pretty for Thanksgiving tomorrow.

More Ramblings...

I had a first at school yesterday. After a particularly long and stressful week, it was Friday and my last class of the day, which happens to be first grade. I'm thinking this will be an easy time, as they were going to finish watching a Thanksgiving movie, then check out books and go home. So they come in and I start the movie. There is a little girl in that class that really drives me crazy. She tattles, she whines, and nothing seems to suit her. They had only been in there about 5 minutes, when another student comes up and says this little girl is stuck in her chair. I didnt quite understand, so I went over, and sure enough, she was STUCK in her chair! She had been sitting on her knees rocking in the chair, and slipped through the back up to her waist, and could not get out. I tried helping her, but she was really stuck. Of course she was crying, and I just as I went to get help, her teacher came in to see what was wrong. So we tried to get her out and no luck. Two more staff members came in then, and they took her out in the hall so I could get the rest of the class back on track. What a circus. It took 3 of them to get her out. I'm not really sure how they worked it, but she came back in a few minutes later free of the chair. I kinda felt like it was karma, but she wouldnt understand that yet. I just want to explain to her that if she does what she's supposed to do, this wouldnt happen...that she should be concerned with herself and not everyone else. Anyway, I'm sure she's over the trauma now. I still get a good laugh thinking about it.

The girls are at their dad's this weekend. I'm here alone. At least its been relatively productive. I wasted most of the morning just vegging...I needed that a lot! I'm still on the verge of a cold, so the extra rest felt good! Since then I've done 4 loads of laundry, taken all the stuff out of the bathroom and scrubbed the carpet, and gone to do pics. I have 2 loads of laundry to finish, and I'd like to clean out the bathtub, but I'm not sure I'll get to the tub tonight since the carpet is wet. It will be so nice to have a bathroom in some kind of order again. I hate the change of seasons clothing pile up!

Is it bad I'm (almost) counting the days until my friend comes back for another visit? I just had such a nice time last weekend. It would be nice if this became a regular thing.

Stress

Is it Friday yet?

Its been a long week. I've been ready for Friday for several days now. Last night was particularly bad. The girls came home from school in moods. Every one of them. Fighting. Picking. Tormenting. They wouldn't stop for anything...not when I took things away, sent them to rooms, etc. So I left. Yep, just left. Took the grocery list and went to the store. Of course, I got texts and calls while I was there, but they finally left me alone. They were all banished to their rooms by 8:45. Not a good night.

I've been waking up early too. 4:00 yesterday morning from the wind. 3:30 this morning from coughing. I dont really have a cough, but I'm getting a cold, and the back of my throat is covered in big red bumps, and I had a tickle. Yesterday I never did go back to sleep. Today I finally went back to sleep at some point, but it wasnt long enough.

And I have the start of this cold. I'm doing the neti pot twice a day to hopefully keep it at bay. I cant get sick. I dont have time. I think if I keep that up, keep hydrated and get some rest, I'll be ok.

On the bright side...They started weatherizing my house yesterday! Its going to take 2-3 weeks to get it all done, but at least I'll have a nice warm house for Christmas.

I'm been reading my SIL's blog lately. It gives me a lot to think about. I wish my thoughts were as organized and as well put together as hers. I'm all over the place, kinda like this post. I just type as things come to mind, in no particular order, with no profound words or advice or meaning. Just my ramblings.

I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. I need a weekend to recoup.

Smiling...

What a nice day today. It was super sunny, 70* and so nice. To top it off, my friend came to visit today. I haven't seen him in 8 years, so it was really nice to catch up. I mean, we've kept in contact over the years (ever since we met), but its not the same as just having the chance to have a real conversation.
We walked all around Fredericksburg, just taking in the sites and such. He took a few pics, and we chatted. Walked up to the park for him to take some pics of the big tree, then sat up there for a bit and chatted. Then we went to have lunch in Berlin. Not sure why I picked Berlin, since its a super nice day---and Saturday---at noon! But there was a reason. We walked into the restaurant and there was a display of paintings for sale. He wasnt impressed, and the most expensive one wasnt very good. So it put a bug in his head about painting and trying to sell some around this area. :) I told him it was a sign, and he said he agreed.

We came back here and he loaded photoshop for me, showed me a few easier ways to edit, etc. He didnt really want to leave, just wanted to sit and enjoy the view, the peacefulness... But he wanted to drive at least the back roads in the daylight (what was left). He also asked when would be a good time for him to come back. He's talking the week of Thanksgiving...thats like only a little over a week away!

It was just a really nice, relaxing, laid back kind of day.

God is Good!

Breathing another HUGE sigh....
Mom and Aunt Jackie went to an estate planner today. He asked a lot of questions, about the family, Grandpa, etc. When all was said and done, he told them they could keep everything. I can sign the house over to my other aunt, and because she's disabled, it will be considered a gift from my grandpa. She can then sign it over to me. It will be mine. For real this time. I'll still have to make payments on it, but wont have to get a loan. I'll just pay into a trust fund. He's going to take care of everything so they wont have to go through probate when something happens to Grandpa. So, my mom can keep her house, she doesnt have to move in here, and we get to stay. He hopes it can all be done by the end of the month.
It seems to me that someone much higher up wants the girls and I to live here as much as we want to live here.

Warmth

The furnace guys are coming today. I should have heat by the weekend! Thats always a good thing at this time of year.

Ahhhhh....

What a wonderful weekend. It was the crafter/quilter retreat at Round Lake. I went after work on Friday, and left today around 3. We had so much fun!
Friday night we stayed up til around 2, then went to our room and chatted til about 3. Up and at 'em bright and early Saturday morning for breakfast at 8. Then we had the day to do what we wanted. I almost finished Mr Richard's scrapbook. Other than that, I made cards. I didnt get any of my own scrapbooking done, but I didnt take anything intending to get any done. I should keep the momentum going and work on it here now.
Saturday after dinner we were hitting a real tired time, so we took a nap for about an hour. That gave us our second wind. At 3 am Heather got out stuff to do a "project". We made ornaments. It was fun. Then at 3:30 (which was actually 4:30 old time---it was daylight savings weekend) we decided to go to bed. But first we did cartwheels in the hallway.
This morning was pajama worship, then crafting the rest of the day. We had to be out by 2:30-3:00 today.

Its nice to be home, but this weekend is something I've really come to look forward to. Its so relaxing, refreshing, and just plain fun.

Now I need to catch up on my rest. I'm not really overly tired, but I think I could go to bed now and sleep til tomorrow... :)

One down...

IT PASSED. IT PASSED!

Need I say more??? :)

Waiting...

So today is the day. Today we find out whether we'll continue to have community elementary schools, or whether they'll be closed and torn down. I'm really stressed today. If this doesn't pass, I'll be crying tonight, for more than one reason. I really hope people dig deep and search their hearts and do what's right.

Last night was the first night I heard Brenna say how stressed she is about the whole situation. Thats sad. The kids should not have to worry about these things. They should just enjoy school and being kids. I hope they have reason to relax tomorrow!

Oh, and the big girls party went well. Before Matthew even got home he was texting Ali saying how they need to do that again soon. I dont think they did much, but I guess they had a good time just being together.

In other news...I have to come up with the money to keep the house. The nursing home is already asking about it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. Mom said one solution would be for her to sell her house, renovate the basement, and move in here. While it wouldnt be all bad, I dont want that at all. I want the basement for the girls to hang out in. I want a cool place to go in the summer. I want to have parties and get togethers.... There has to be another way. I have the ping pong table, bowling table, etc...for the girls. Where am I supposed to put those??? There has to be another way...

Ahhhh....

Breathing a sigh of relief. The bookfair, and the longest week I've had in a long time, is over. Feels good. I think the bookfair was pretty successful. I kept a bunch of books out of the bookfair for me to add to the library, and still have a bit of money to spend. Its kinda fun. :)

Yesterday I went to the 6th grade room towards the end of the day (they were having their end of the month celebrations) and asked for volunteers to come help tear down the bookfair. I had 6 BOYS come down to help...gave up their free time and a bit of outside time to help me in the library. So I bought them each a pop, and we were done in about 30 minutes. I appreciated their help a bunch!

Then after school Livi had 3 friends, and Maddy had 1 come over for a little party. They ate donuts off a string and bobbed for apples. Then they had pizza, played for just a bit, then went home. I think it was a success, even for only 2 hours. It made Livi happy to be able to have a party, made the kids happy to do some fun things, and made me happy to have them out after a short time, lol. :)

Tonight the big girls are having their party. I have no clue what they're going to do. We looked in to a murder mystery, but didnt know how many kids were going to end up coming. So, I'm thinking bonfire, maybe a scary movie, pizza.... Just dont know. So we'll see. Of course, this one is going to be coed, and longer---4 hours. Hope I'm still breathing that sigh of relief when its over. :)

When...

When does it get easier? When do things work out like they're supposed to? When do I get a break? I got an email from Mom today saying she needs to talk to me. Its VERY important. And she left it at that. You cant leave me hanging like that. So I asked her what its about and she said the house. We were afraid this might happen. The nursing home has apparantly asked what happened to the money from the sale of the house. Well, I havent paid on it yet. I'm planning to start after the first of the year. But they want the money for him to stay there. I cant just keep the house since it hasnt been 5 years since I bought it...its only been 1 1/2. Its so not fair. I'm trying to do whats right...trying to take care of my family. I dont want to lose this house! But who is going to give me a loan with only a part time job? I really need this to worry about on top of everything else. Sometimes life is just not fair.

Monday

Well, its Monday. The little girls missed the bus this morning. It wasnt their fault. They had a sub driving, and he was about 8 minutes early. The girls were just heading out the door, and he only slowed down, never completely stopped. Grrrrr.

I set up the book fair over the weekend. It took about 4 1/2 hours. I had waaaaaay too much stuff, and not enough places to put it all. So its everywhere! I'm hoping for some good sales though.

And now tonight I have a headache. Lovely.

I just have so much on my mind these days:

The levy is starting to stress me out again as voting draws near. There are still some really stupid people out there. I read their posts on the Daily Record site, and I wonder what they're really thinking. I mean, really??? Sorry, but there is nothing more important that my kids education. No matter what they decide to do...they need a good education. So if we need to support it now, why wouldnt we? I just dont get it.
But its not only affecting the kids this time...it affects me too. It makes me ill to think about getting a different job. I have the perfect job for a single mom with kids in school and activities. I keep thinking maybe they can find more hours and stuff for me to do next year if it passes. That would be great. But if it fails, I'm out. (Ok, thats not for sure, but I'm almost positive.) Even if I would stay, do I really want to deal with 35 kids in the library at a time in a strange school? I cant think I'd like that job all that much.

Then there's Grandpa. I dont know how much better he's doing, although Mom said he was sitting up tonight when she went. She said he still looks bad. I'm going to try to go see him Wednesday.

So Mike stops by tonight and we were chatting. He said his mom asked him about Thanksgiving and if he was going to bring the girls out for awhile. And that I'm invited too. I still dont think he knows what he wants, and I know she'd like to see us back together, but its not gonna happen. Its not what I want. Its not what the girls want.

My mom is battling a bit of depression. I worry about her. Her health is good at the moment, but if she gets depressed, its not going to help at all. I dont know what to do to help her. Alexis went down tonight to help her rake her leaves and mow her lawn...

And of course the other thing thats on my mind often....

This and That

Grandpa is back at the nursing home. They did some tests and found out he has legionella pneumonia. So they changed his meds, and he's doing a bit better. I hope he continues on the right path!

Today the stuff for the bookfair arrived at school. Holy overwhelming feeling! They stacked everything at the end of the library, so of course the kids wanted to see everything. I havent looked in all the boxes yet, but there is some neat stuff. I hope the kids find something they like and can get. I have the unfortunate task of setting it all up myself over the weekend. The girls will be with Mike, so... Fun times.

I have 3 people coming tomorrow to give estimates on a new furnace and hot water tank. I hope this doesnt take long...its COLD in here! Every time they come for something, its at least 2 weeks until I hear from someone, so I hope its not the case this time.

Grandpa is back in the hospital. He went to a new nursing home on Friday, but wasnt responding to the meds, and his fever went way back up tonight. They took him to Millersburg, then transferred him to Wooster. He has an infection. They think it must be viral since its not responding to the meds. He's pretty sick. I'm pretty worried.

I went to a community meeting at Holmesville tonight. There weren't a lot of people there, but there was some good information. More people need to go. I know times are tough, but we cant afford NOT to pass this levy. It would cost us all dearly.

I'm tired tonight. I've been feeling stressed again lately, and my eye has been twitching like crazy. Makes me crazy. I think I'll go to bed and try to get a little extra sleep.

Bored

I dont really have anything in particular to write about...I'm just bored. The older girls are at youth group, and the younger 2 are winding down for the night. I'd just like to crawl in bed now, but I have to pick up the older ones in 40 minutes or so. I have such a headache tonight. Gotta love hormones.



I need to check the weather for this week. I'd love to have some time to work outside. I would just like to keep things under control.

I also need to call about the furnace.

And I need to start Christmas shopping. I'm going to have to start now so I can get some things put away. I wont be able to wait til closer and buy it all at once. I already know a couple things I'm going to get.

Room to Breathe

I think things might start to slow down now. Today was Brenna's volleyball tournament. They lost the first game. Sometimes I just dont understand people's thinking. All season they played team 1, team 2, then if needed, team 1 again. 90% of the time, team 1 lost, then team 2 won to keep them in the match, sometimes against the same girls. But yet, today team 1 played the first set and lost, so she left them in to lost the match in 2 sets. Nice. Anyway, she's done now.

Ali still has practice this week. Then she and the little girls play next Saturday, then soccer is over too. I think the only thing they'll have then is Power of the Pen. Alexis has been doing that, but Brenna is talking about doing it too now that volleyball is over. I wont complain. Its educational, and once a week, lol.

As for me...I'm still plugging along. I worked out at the burn pile today. I really want to get it ready for bonfires...and we're going to try to have one Halloween weekend, which is rapidly approaching. Still have a lot of work to do, but I might have a bit more time to put towards it now.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for one other thing thats in the works. Preliminary plans look promising, but I'm not holding my breath. :)

Fun Times

Turning 40. Wow. I dont feel like I'm almost 40. Pennie, Heather, Stacie and I went out last night to celebrate Heather's b-day. She's the first of us to turn 40 (she will on Tues.). We went to Steve Dakota's Steakhouse. I know when I go somewhere with them, we'll be loud, and of course, Pennie and that laugh.... Well, we got to laughing last night, and the people at the tables on either side of us started making fun of Pennie's laugh. (The backs of the booths were too high to see over.) The manager walked up to our table, and we thought we might get a "warning", but he just wanted to see what all the fun was about. He made several visits to our table after that just to chat, and the owner even stopped over once.
After that we went back to Stacie's and watched "It's Complicated". More laughing. We just really had a good time.

I guess laughter really is the best medicine.

Emotional

I'm a bit of a mess today. I guess I didnt realize how things were getting to me until tonight. I really miss the girls when they go to Mike's. Its nice to have a bit of time alone, but when I'm just sitting here, I want them here.

I went to get a few groceries after they left. When I got home, I decided to straighten up the house. When I walked into the living room, one of the couches was gone. When we first split, I told Mike he could have it. But he got to keep his parents couch, so this one was going to stay. He just came and took it while I was gone. I was pissed. Its not that I need it, and if he'd have just came and talked to me about it, I would have let him take it. But it was the fact that he just walked in while I was gone and took it. So I called. And bitched. I told him I dont want him just walking in anymore. This isnt his house, and I NEVER go to his house. Ever. So I dont want him here at all when I'm not here, and if I am, knock. I dont want to be a bitch about things, but I'm not having him pull this crap whenever he feels like it.

My emotions are a bit screwed right now too. I'm still on the mini self pity party. I'm back to the self doubts I have. Why couldn't I make my marriage work? I know it takes 2, but still. I know there was a lot I messed up, but I still feel it wasnt entirely my fault. So if I couldnt make this one work, what makes me think I could ever have another? I would like to someday--I think. But how do I know I wont just mess that up too? I learned a lot...about myself, about being with someone... I would do a lot of things different. But that doesnt guarantee anything. There is no guarantee. In anything.

So, I will push on. I'll get over this. I should see a shrink. But maybe I'll just go cry a bit instead.

Happy (?) Anniversary

Happy anniversary to me. 15 years. Actually, 14 1/2, but we're still legally married, so 15 years today. In a way, it makes me sad. It seems like such a waste, to be with someone for so long, then have it end. Yet I have 4 wonderful girls that I wouldnt trade for the world. So while a lot of the last 15 years were not happily married, I'd have to do it all again if given the chance, because changing it wouldnt give me my girls. And I love them dearly!