***Insert Sigh Here***

Inhale. Exhale. Its nice to have the first week down. Its been a trying one, but I feel things will only get better now. I have the weekend to get some things done at school. Then I'll have a plan in place for next week and wont have to stress every night about things working or being ready for class. Hopefully I'll sleep better too. I'm in serious need of some sleep.

Is it Friday yet? (Or even bedtime?)

I cant sleep. My body is not meant to sleep from 10pm to 6 am. I need to sleep from 11 (or so) until 7 am. 6 am is killing me! (Ok, so 6 am wouldnt be quite so bad if it didnt come so early...there is something very wrong with getting up before the sun. But really, if I could fall asleep earlier, then I could tolerate 6 better.)

Today was a rough day. Its my longest by far. I have 6 classes on Thursdays. The good thing is the day flies by since I'm busy non-stop. But geesh, ALL the kids were so chatty today! I hope its just a back to school thing, and not a whole year thing. I dont like kids to get in trouble, but I'm not going to put up with the noise and not listening all year.

Then I come home and the girls are just as bad today. My head is NOT happy tonight. They girls were fighting, arguing and just generally being loud. Then I dont know what was going on with A and B, but B ends up with big scratch/claw marks across her side that were actually bleeding in places. Nope, I will NOT put up with that stuff at all! Arguing, wrestling around, etc is one thing... Deliberately trying to hurt someone is another. Bedtime is rapidly approaching.

Is it Friday yet?

Thoughts...

I was going to come here and post, but I stopped to read a friend's blog first, and what she had to say is going to change this post somewhat. It was really inspiring.

This week at my new job has not started off well. I got on the computer, only to find out I didnt have a user ID or password. Got that taken care of. Tried to log in to the library software, only to find I didnt have a user ID or password. Hmmmm, sound familiar? And no, its not the same one. I tried all of mine, with no luck. I could log in under the substitute ID, but that only gave me limited access to the program. No one at school seemed to know what needed done. So I made several phone calls with no answers. Finally, an email was answered and got me started on the right track. I could now long in. But the problems I was finding were still there. Sent another email. Heard back today, and when I had a free moment, I logged in remotely and the lady from the central office took over my computer. I watched her download the updates, work on my programs...and finally she opened a document to chat with me. She asked me a couple questions, then showed me how to do things. Then asked another, and showed me again. It was SO helpful. She organized all my classes for me, and then told me how to print them out. I'm ready to go! Open for business, lol.

But what does my friend's post have to do with this? She reminded me that through all the trouble, frustrations, ups and downs, there's only one thing I really need to think about...would I rather be buried under the weight of this world, or embrace the life of Christ? And you know, the one thing I prayed for last night was to go to school today and have the answers I needed to get my computer running the way I need it to. And look what I got...

What do people do without faith?

I'm Ready.

Well, as ready as I'm gonna be. The library is decorated for the most part. I found the perfect book to read tomorrow (only one class)...its called The First Day of School Around the World. How awesome is that??? Oh, in case I havent mentioned, the theme for the library this year is "Where will reading take YOU this year?". So it works great. Hopefully when I read it tonight I'll find it to be appropriate for the younger kids this week too.

I still have sooooo much to learn. I have to get a log in for the computers. I need to learn how to make bar codes for the new kids, and how to check in/out books. I need to make plans for the classes. Not sure what I'm going to do with the kiddos. I need to check with the teachers and see what kinds of activities they'd like me to do.

I'm excited but nervous to start this new adventure. Its so nice to be back in the work force, especially somewhere I'm familiar with people I already know (for the most part). But I'm still uncertain about what is totally expected of me...

Clearing the Mind...

I'm so tired, but I have soooo much running through my head I cant sleep. I'm going to try to dump it all here so I can get some rest.

First is school. The meetings werent so bad today, and I made it through. But I still have so many questions! I dont know how to use the phone system, I think I have a mailbox somewhere on the copier, but no clue how to get to it, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to turn in "lesson plans" for what I'm doing during the week.... I need to come up with a theme for the library, but not sure what direction to go with that, I need to get bulletin boards covered this weekend, I need to decide what to do with the classes the first week...
I dont know if the library gets any PTO money this year, and how do I decide what books to buy if I do get some? I need to get the book fair date set.
I'm sure once I get going, it wont be quite as overwhelming as it seems now. My head is spinning. Maybe I should FB Shannon so she can keep me filled in on what I'm supposed to be doing, lol. I hope they cut me some slack the first few weeks since this was so last minute. I had less than a week to get ready...

I have to get my house cleaned so the weatherization guys can come on Monday afternoon.

I need to get the dissolution papers filled out, and have Mike do the quit claim deeds.

I'm worried about my friend, and hope he's doing ok.

Making Friends

That is what we're supposed to do at school, right? Tonight was open house at school. We took Livi to her class (man its HOT up there!) and talked to her teacher. Then we went to Maddy's class. There is a new teacher there this year, well, new to our school but not the district. She's really nice. She and Mrs Conrad are co-teaching this year---job sharing actually. So I was talking to them for a bit. I mentioned how I'm dreading tomorrow and the district meeting, and they said they'd save me a seat so I dont have to look for someone to sit with. I thought that was really nice. Guess thats a good example for my kids too. :)

In other news, I'm a bit worried about RTS. He's having some personal issues, and not being able to deal with them they way they need dealt with is definately not helping. He told me not to worry, but how can I not??? Just wish there was something I could do to help.

Take a Deep Breath

I'm feeling just a bit overwhelmed right now. I have SO much to do...here and getting ready for school. I have laundry to get caught up on, planning on what to do at school, finding stuff for school, etc. Tomorrow, Mom and I have to get phones transferred; we all need haircuts; we need to get the last few things for school...

Breathe in...breathe out... I know it will all fall into place.

Past and Future

Ok, so here goes...

The year I graduated, I started working at a smaller convenient-type store in the next town over. I worked evenings, and it was actually pretty fun with the people I worked with. I left for college, but moved back after a semester and worked there again while going to the local college.

Not exactly sure of the precise time, but one night a guy that worked at the restaurant next door came in. At that very moment, I believed in love at first sight. :) He's not the drop dead gorgeous type, but so cute. He's too skinny. He's super friendly. He hung around and we chatted while I worked. I think he came in every night after that when he got off work. (He lived above the restaurant.)

We got to be really good friends. I went to his apartment a couple times after work just to chat and listen to him play the guitar. He's so talented!

And then he broke my heart. He asked me if I thought a friend I worked with would consider going out with him. I was crushed. But, me being the good friend that I am, said why not try. So they started dating. We still stayed friends. We still hung out at times. I came in to work one night and there were 6 yellow roses and a card waiting for me in the cooler from him, just for being a good friend. That was one of the nicest things anyone had done for me. He and my friend got engaged. I was going to be in the wedding, and even had measurements taken for the bridesmaid dress. Then she broke it off and pretty much disappeared for awhile. But he and I stayed friends. I had started dating dh, and I dont remember if it was right before I got married, or right after, but right around my wedding time I got a letter from my friend (this was before email), and he said he had had a crush on me. Broken heart #2. I thought it was too late to break things off. So I went ahead with it. We all know how that turned out. (Although I wouldnt change a thing, because that would mean giving up my girls, which I wouldnt trade for anything in the world!)

Anyway, we've stayed friends all these years. I've met him a couple times for lunch, and got to tour his recording studio when he had it. But thats about the extent of seeing him. We've stayed in touch through email.

Now I'm going through a divorce. He is still single. Could there be a chance? He is still so much in my heart. I dont know that I can, or want to, go out with anyone else until I know if there is a chance with him. The thought has always been in my mind, and I feel its an unresolved issue with me. I've spent a lot of time wondering "what if...". I dont want to spend the rest of my life wondering the same thing.

Of course, I'm not sure I have the guts to make the move. I've asked if he wants to have lunch or hang out or something, and he said sure, but so far it hasnt happened. I know he's having some issues in his life right now.... I'm just not sure what to do.

...and now you know, the rest of the story. (but I hope its not the end of the story) :)

Lookin' Up!

WOOHOO! They called this afternoon and offered me the job! I'm so excited! I have to meet with the superintendent on Monday, then he'll present it to the board Monday night, and then I'll be officially hired. Woohoo!



I am really happy to be working again. I hope everything else falls into place like its supposed to. This job is going to be great for the situation. I'll work school days/hours, have holidays off, snow days, etc. (Not sure about inservice days and such) I'll be off in time to catch the girls extracurriculars, which is great since 7th grade games start at 4:15. I'll still get the little girls on the bus, be home when they get here... I'm happy!

The Waiting Continues...

I had my interview today. I have no idea how it went, but I think it went well. Its been so long since I've been through one... I think its good that they know me already. If everyone they interviewed went in and said the same things, at least they know my personality and such, and I'd hope that would give me a bit of an edge. :) They said they'd let me know Monday or Tuesday.

Brenna started volleyball this week. So far its a lot of conditioning, and she's pretty sore. But I dont hear her complaining, so she must be enjoying it. She was really hoping they dont have to run on the track today.

We went to see Grandpa today. I can still see progress. I'm so amazed at how much more he uses his right hand/arm, and how much stronger it seems to be getting. I dont know if he's been standing or walking (or trying to take steps yet), but Aunt Jackie seems to think thats what they've been working on. He just wants to go home so bad.

I forgot to get cilantro at the store yesterday. I have a bunch of grape tomatoes that are ripe, and maybe even some regular ones. I have one pepper, and a jalepeno or two ready, and I'd like to make some salsa. Might have to take a drive later. :) (I dont have any chips either.)

Bits n Pieces

I have an interview next week! Woohoo! I'm soooooo hoping to get this job! Its at the elementary school for the librarian job. Would be a great place to start.

I have a hearing at the Wayne county child support agency on Monday. Not sure why we have to do this right now. I dont know how they can "order" him to pay child support when he doesnt have a job or any income at all while workers comp jerks him around. He's still paying me, so what does it matter? I guess we'll see what they have to say.

Hmmm, what else? I think Mike is bailing on his visitation tomorrow. He said he figured since my dad was coming, I'd want them. Then ask. My dad wont be here til dinner time, is staying with my uncle, and Sis has the county home picnic from noon til 4, so no one will be here anyway. But he said he's already made other plans. Yeah, wonder what happens when I make plans and want him to take them on my weekend????

Not much else. Hoping for more news in the near future!

Really Bad at This

So I've gotten out of the habit of writing. I'm going to pick it up a bit. Its just, I'm so boring! I mean, really, what is there to write about???

The school levy failed again yesterday. Stupid stupid people. Ok, I know times are tough...I mean, I really know...but still. There isnt ANYTHING more important than an education. No matter what you decide to do, you need at least a basic education. But yet, they keep cutting our funding, and people dont want to pay, which I understand, but then the outcome is not good. More dropouts, less individual attention and help, etc. Plus, we now have pay to participate...not just sports, but the musical, play, power of the pen, etc. So its going to end up being extracurriculars are only for kids whose parents can afford to pay. That means more kids on the street after school instead of practice. That means less kids who get the "well rounded" education that looks so good on college applications. Does anyone thing about any of this? Or just the money? There has to be a better way to fund schools!

I'm still waiting to hear about the librarian position at school.

Brenna starts volleyball next week. Mom decided to pay for that for us. Thankfully Alexis will play soccer and softball, both of which aren't through the school. We'll have to pay for those, but not as much as if it was a "school" sport. Next year it will be.

I have a meeting Monday with the child support agency. Not really sure what thats all about. We dont have anything court ordered yet, but Mike is still paying each month. So not sure what this is about. Its because I signed the girls up for Medicaid. When he lost his job, they lost insurance. Not much we can do about that at the moment. He's planning on picking them up again when this whole workers comp is straightened out, but they're really being stupid. Until then....

The garden is growing. I'm surprised anything is living. The ground is SO hard! But, I picked my first handful of grape tomatoes yesterday. I have a TON of green tomatoes. I'll have to make salsa or sauce or something (I'm sure it wont make much, but its more than we can eat at one time). I saw 2 green beans (lol) on 2 plants, and one pepper thats coming along. I'm planning on tilling and weeding tomorrow to help things along. I'd like to start composting too so I can have some good stuff to plant in next year!

See, I told you...boring!

Just Letting it Out

I cant sleep. Lots on the mind tonight.

I hate depending on people. I mean, I know we need to to some extent. But I hate that I have to depend on other people for a place to live, utilities, food, a car, etc. It really has me down tonight. There have been unexpected expenses come up in the last week, and I hate that I have to ask for help. Even if its not financial...just the need for someone to fix the van. It really puts a HUGE dent in the self worth. And like mine doesnt already suffer...

I'm trying to make changes. Some days its really tough, because things dont happen quite fast enough for me. Its hard to see a difference from day to day. Just trying to remember the big picture...

I've also decided I need more *girl* friends...ones who like chick flicks, lol. There are some movies coming out that I'd like to see, and I'm sure the girls wont want to go see them. Not sure how many of my friends are in to those kinds of movies either. I need some sappy friends. :) Now just where to find them???

This is a rather negative post, but I just needed to vent. I'm well aware that I have a LOT to be thankful for. Sometimes too much negativity clouds my mind for awhile, and I just need to take a moment to remind myself whats really important.

Happy Heart

We went to see Grandpa today, and its the best I've seen him yet. He was just getting finished with a haircut when we got there. We went back to his room to visit for awhile, and he was really awake and alert and looked really good. He played ball with Livi for awhile and was even joking with the girls. Then we went outside and walked around for a bit. He really wanted to get up once we got outside. I hope he gets to the point where he can.
Aunt Jackie was going to see if she can get something to help hold his teeth in. He's so hard to understand when he tries to talk, and I think that would help. They have a meeting today to see what the nursing home has to say---how they can help, how much they think they can do for him, etc.

Catchin' Up

Didnt realize I let this get so far behind....

Lets start with Grandpa. They did the trach, he moved to the rehab floor for a few weeks, they took the trach out, and he's now at Smithville-Western nursing home for rehab. He's doing ok now, but had a bit of a setback a couple weeks ago when he came down with pneumonia. Mom and the aunts have a meeting with the nursing home people on Wednesday to get a prognosis, what they think they can do, etc. I guess then they'll go from there.

Its been hot. Really hot. And with no a/c, its. been. hot. We've done a bit of swimming, and went to a movie this week to stay cool for a couple hours. We had VBS all last week and it was quite miserable in the sanctuary. We had a record number of kids (97), and they didnt seem to mind. It was a good time.

I'm trying to plan a short trip with the girls...I'm thinking about going camping for a couple days somewhere...maybe Lake Erie. I just need to get something planned and do it.

The next step...

They're doing a tracheotomy on Grandpa tomorrow at noon. I dont know what happens after that...if he stays in ICU or goes somewhere else where they'll work on getting him off the vent.

Emotional Roller Coaster Ride

What a difference a day makes...and then another.

After my somewhat positive visit with Grandpa on Tuesday, Mom called yesterday afternoon to tell me he was really bad, and they were going to take out the vent and let nature take its course. The doctors felt that he wasnt going to get any better, he wasnt waking up anymore, wasnt responding, etc. I explained things to the girls, and it was just an all around awful afternoon.

Then she calls this morning. When Aunt Jackie and Aunt Bobbi went in to see him this morning, he ws sitting up in bed watching tv, and watching people walk past his bed. I think thats the first time he's done that. It was such a complete turn around, I couldnt believe what I was hearing. Needless to say, they decided to leave the vent in. If he's the same tomorrow, then they'll do a trach.

I just cant believe what has happened the last 2 days with him. We spent yesterday afternoon in tears, preparing to say goodbye, and then today we're hopeful for the future. I just dont know where to put my emotions these days. It hurts so much to think about losing him, but its sooooo hard to stay optimistic and then have the bottom drop out from under you. But I cant just sit in the middle somewhere.

I'm going to go up to see him tomorrow.

Happy Birthday?

I'm just not sure what to think anymore. I got to the hospital and went back to see Grandpa. He opened his eyes, and I really thought he was trying to squeeze my hand to let me know he knew I was there. But I just never know. No doubt he was moving, but why is the question. While his eyes were open, he was looking up towards the ceiling. I dont really know if he was looking at something or not, but he was pointing towards where he was looking. When he finally looked at me, I really thought there was a flash of recognition in his eyes. Its what I wanted so bad, so I didnt know if thats really what I saw, or if it was wishful thinking.

I just got off the phone with my mom. She asked me what I thought, and I said I wasnt sure. She said he was actually answering yes or no questions tonight...bearly, but he was trying. He was also making grunting noises like he was trying to talk. Well, when I was there, he was opening his mouth like he was trying to talk, but they have his vent and feeding tube taped across his lips now, and I thought maybe that was just bugging him. But now I dont know.

I was pretty depressed when I came home today. I dont know how much to say to aunt Jackie because I'm not sure she's as optimistic as some. So I left with that sagging feeling again. Now I'm not sure what to think. I guess we just wait to see what tomorrow brings.

(I did have a very nice lunch with Pam today, and many birthday wishes on Facebook, so those things helped keep my day bright.)

Exhausted, in a good way finally

Tonight was the sixth grade recognition dinner. I think a good time was had by all. Let me start at the beginning...

I got up this morning and went down to the elementary school to pick up the PTO money for the dinner. Then went to talk to Mr Richards to see if there were any more RSVPs. We chatted for a bit (and I found out someone added more to the envelope I sent to camp than what I sent). Left there and went to Pat Catans for some scrapbook stuff, and to price tablewear and such. Went to Factory Card Outlet to get balloons and price other stuff. Ordered the balloons...36 helium balloons. Went to Walmart. Got the punch, plates, cups, napkins, etc and the cakes. Went back to get the balloons. They started popping before I got them all in the van...they were filled soooo full. Back to Pat Catans to get the brown tablewear. Then home. By the time I got home, I had 6 balloons left. 6! Out of 36! $30 worth of balloons.
I had to stop to pick up someone's stuff for the scrapbook, then headed to the church to set up and decorate. By the time I got there, I had 5 balloons. We got everything set up, I called the store, and someone ran in to pick up the replacement balloons.
The dinner was great. Lots of food, lots of fun. Everyone got a kick out of Brenna's prophecy. I presented Mr Richards with the scrapbook, and he cried. So then I teared up. Then he got a standing ovation. He so deserves it! I'm going to miss him a lot.
We cleaned up after the dinner, and now I'm home. I'm tired. Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm not going to do much. I'm taking stuff down for the 6th grade to use for cleanup day, then going out for lunch with Pam. After that I'll probably go see my grandpa, and hope for something good for my birthday. I'm not going to Livi's game. I'm not sure what time I'll get home from the hospital. I'm going to come home and do laundry and relax and maybe work outside a bit.

Sigh

Grandpa opened his eyes yesterday morning. He stayed awake for about an hour, then was asleep the rest of the day. Of course, all that happened before I got there, so I didnt get to see him awake.

We went up today and when I walked in I took his hand and said, "Hi Grandpa". He opened his eyes just a bit. He didnt keep them open for long though. So far they dont know if he realizes who is there or anything like that. He isnt really responding. But whenever someone else came back when I was there and talked to him, he'd open his eyes just a bit.

The intensivist told Aunt Jackie that he's surprised he woke up at all. They've been saying they thought he'd survive the stroke, but I guess they didnt mention that they didnt expect him to wake up.

So here's hoping for more small miracles.