Lovin' Life

I am happy. Really, genuinely happy.

I dont remember the last time I could really say that, and honestly mean it. I've had happy moments, but I dont know when I've been happy clear to the core. And I'm enjoying it. A lot of it is because a big part of the stress is not here anymore. It took time, and a lot of soul searching and praying to finally know---really know---that this is the right thing...for me, and for the girls. It doesn't bring me down to hear the negative comments or digs from him anymore. (If he was truely happy, I dont think he would need to do that anymore.) A big part of all this is because of my growing relationship with God. I have been more open to listening, and letting him really get into my heart.

I'm ready to start dating. (Yikes, did I really say that?) Nothing serious or anything at the moment, just someone to hang out with (especially on weekends the girls are with their dad), go for walks, cook dinner together...(cheap things, lol). But I'm not exactly where you meet single guys at my age. I'm also not out looking either, lol. I'm not in a hurry, although Maddy told me today that I need a boyfriend. Thanks Maddy, lol.

In the meantime, I'll keep working on the house...I want to have a yard sale Saturday...need to go to the Habitat store to check out flooring...need to price drywall for Ali's room... So much to do....

Celebrate!

Tomorrow is Grandpa's 89th birthday. We're going down to visit for awhile. Its also the day my friends are taking me out to celebrate my 40th birthday. We're going out for dinner, and then maybe to a movie. So looking forward to that!

Workday is still on for Saturday. I'm meeting Pam in Wooster to get the shower stuff, then check out the Habitat store for bedroom stuff. Woohoo! Really looking forward to more progress.

The heat finally broke, and if all summer would be like today, I wouldnt complain at all. It was gorgeous!

Memorial Day

Sending many thanks to those who have served, given their lives, and/or continue to serve today. I cant express enough appreciation for that.

We had a very fun day. We went to Pam's mom's house like we usually do. It was soooo hot. I'm not ready for it to be this hot! But, we had lunch, went swimming, and cooled off. We spent a lot of time in the pool! Then we got out, had dessert, and played a little softball. By then we were all exhausted, so we came home. Alexis fell asleep, and the rest of us just sat around trying to stay cool. (Several days in the 90s...not ready for that!)

I cant say how excited I am to not have to get up for school tomorrow! But, that doesnt mean I have nothing to do. We're having a work day here Saturday. We're going to try to get the shower done in the big bathroom. I'm SO excited. That will make such a huge difference around here. Depending on how much time that takes, or how much help Chris needs, Pam and I might work in the basement. I'd love to have Ali's room done this summer...plus paint the basement and maybe get a carpet remnant to put down there so we can have a somewhat usable living space when its so darn hot like this. It has to be at least 30* cooler down there. Would be nice to just go down there to hang out and watch tv or something. So we'll see how things come together.
I also need to get things together for a yard sale. Maybe if I can find enough stuff, and get rid of good stuff, I'll have enough to do some kind of mini vacation or work on the basement....

Done.

Woohoo...school's out for summer! (everyone sing along!) :)

I made it. First year down, many more to go. It was fun. I hope I have everything done that needed done. If not, I told someone to call me.
We also had a close call with the Reading Tree books. I ordered them a month ago, and they still weren't here. So I had no books to hand out at the awards assembly this morning. I check the status of the order online, and it says its been shipped and is on a truck for delivery. They showed up at 1:30. That worked out. There are 2 books back ordered, but at least the majority of them are handed out.

Now its on to summer. I still need to get some classes in. I haven't decided where to take them. I emailed Stark State but havent heard back. :( I think that will be my best bet.

Other than that, I dont think we have any plans. Relax, have some fun, maybe take some pictures...

Yes, I'm counting

EIGHT more days of school. And I have to have everything done by then because I dont get a work day at the end of the year. Or the beginning of next year. But, I emailed the superintendent, and he said if I think I'll need a work day, I can talk to my principal and she can put in the request for me. So I think I'll skip the end of the year one, but have her request one for me before school next year, as I'm going to have SO much to get in place with rearranging and all.

I'm so tired of all the rain. The kids havent had any time to play outside. Somehow we've been lucky to have recess outside, but then the rain returns, and we're stuck inside all evening. Games and practices have been cancelled, and one game we played half of in the rain. It was not fun. To add to it, its cold again now. It didnt make it out of the 40s yesterday (after being in the 80s the previous few days) and only in the 50s today. Brrrrrr.

Happy Mother's Day

to me and all the other mom's out there---especially my wonderful mom! :) Besides the littles getting up entirely too early, today started out great...breakfast in bed made and served by my wonderful girls. (Sorry about the quality, my phone was the only camera close)

We spent the rest of the day with my mom and family...a nice relaxing day doing not much of anything at all.

I love my girls...being a mom is the best thing I ever decided to do. My girls are the greatest, and I'm super proud of the young ladies they're becomming.

Making Some Changes

...to the blog anyway. I've been reading a few other blogs, and they really are a lot more interesting, mostly because they include pictures. I'm going to try to do that more often. I'm hoping for a small point and shoot camera for my birthday (but not sure thats gonna happen), and I think I'll be more apt to take pics. I just hate to drag my big camera out all the time for quick pictures. So we'll see what I can come up with.

Still checking in to the schooling. Not sure I'm going to be able to do it all this summer. But I'll get there.

Also working on healthier eating...trying to make better choices for the family. They're not always receptive, but they wont starve, lol.

And the best news---3 weeks (15 days) of school left. And yes, I'm counting!

One Year

One year ago today Mike moved out...and it changed my life forever.

Up until the last few months, I've felt like I've been on the longest roller coaster ride of my life. But a couple months ago, I sat down and did some soul searching, and have gotten off that ride! Dont get me wrong, life is still a struggle. But at least now I'm enjoying it. I'm doing what's right for me and the girls. We're happy. We're not walking on eggshells. I hope we're having some fun.
I'm in a better place.

Now that emotions are better in check, I need to get the rest of the pieces in place. I had a talk with my principal last week, and without coming right out and saying it, she strongly encouraged me to see what it would take to get my license reinstated. And once I do, let our curriculum director know because they hire Title teachers in August. Hmmmm.... So I did check into it, and I need 12 credits, and then I need to fill out an application. I'm going to have to do it online, and so far I've checked with U of A to see if they offer that. I'm still waiting for an answer. The last thing I really want to do is take classes, but I cant continue to stay where I'm at. I just cant provide for my family. So we'll see what happens.

I feel things are looking up!

Starting the Busy Time

Stupid headaches! I've had a headache now for over a week. It comes and goes each day, but I really think I've had one every day. I dont want to go to the dr, but its getting to the point where I'm not sure what to do... We're all finally healthy (knock on wood). We never get sick, and now that I have a job, we all got sick (well, not the big girls thankfully). And speaking of jobs, I'm hoping to get another part time one. I've heard Janet is going to retire from cleaning the church. I'm not sure when, but I've already told Jack that I'm interested if/when that happens. That would help a LOT! Not sure how much it pays, but anything would help at this point. We've started the busy season again. Alexis had her first soccer game on Saturday. She played really well, even though her team did pretty bad. She played defense this time, and I think she was more aggressive there than when she plays forward. I was impressed. Livi has had her first softball practice---just one so far due to the weather. Maddy was supposed to have her first t-ball practice tonight but it got rained out. The 3 of us were outside practicing a bit yesterday. It was 84* and sunny! I think Mom has finally decided to see about getting on disability. I've been suggesting for awhile that she sell her house and add on an apartment to mine. I think maybe she's finally leaning that way. She's been thinking about a lot of things, and is worried about blocking the new windows I just put in, but that really doesnt concern me. Her house is too big, needs too much work and upkeep, and no one is there if she needs something. Plus, the church has already offered to buy hers if/when she ever wants to sell. So it seems as if all the stars are aligning for that.

Ha!

So much for that last post... That afternoon I found out my aunt was taking my mom back to Columbus to the hospital with a 102* fever. I guess they never figured out where it came from, but they replaced her G-tube (to her stomach) and her PIC line. They had to make sure it was working right before they let her come home, so she ended up staying in until Friday evening. Madelyn had another ear infection, this time in the other ear. She also had borderline pneumonia, so she gave her a stronger antibiotic. Wednesday she really wasnt any better, so I decided to stay home with her on Thursday. By then I wasnt feeling all that well either, and felt even worse on Friday, but we both went back to school. Then Saturday I spent most of the day in bed, getting up to do laundry and make dinner. Dad, Maureen and Sis were supposed to come on Saturday, but Dad had to replace the hot water heater...guess that really worked out for the best. They came yesterday instead (just Dad and Sis), and I was feeling somewhat better. We went out for lunch, then I made a banana cake with fudge frosting for dessert. It was great! They went back today. I'm still somewhat stuffed up, have just a bit of a cough, and still sound funny, but pretty much on the mend.

Going Well

Most things anyway... Mom is doing well. She continues to improve, and even got to go see Grandpa yesterday. I think they were both very happy to see each other! She's been eating soft foods and drinking more. Livi starts softball next week. She's really nervous, as this is the first year the kids pitch. She's a really good little player. I hope she sticks with it, as both older girls have moved on to other things. :( (Well, Brenna only played one year ever...) Maddy starts t-ball the next week. Its her first year. She could have played last year, but I felt it was going to be too much with the 3 other girls doing other things, so we waited an extra year. I think she'll have fun. I'm doing good as well. I finally hit the 15 pound lost mark! I did the slimfast thing for the first couple weeks, but I know I cant do that forever. So I've been trying new (and healthier) things, and its working so far. I'm not expecting 5 pound losses each week, but as long as it stays on the downward trend, I'm ok with that. The only negative to report at the moment is Maddy is sick---again. She came home from school Friday with a fever. She stayed home with me all weekend while the girls went to their dad's. She didnt run a fever again until yesterday after school. Today I'm staying home with her and taking her to the dr. This is the same way she acted last time when she had the ear infection. Fever, then none for a couple days, then fever...and just not getting better. I hope its nothing, but yet I hope there's something they can give her so she feels better. She hasnt eaten more than a couple bites of anything since Friday, but at least she's drinking. Guess we'll see what they have to say today...

Spring Program

Tonight was the spring program at the elementary school. It was called Bugz, and was really cute. Maddy had a one line solo in her part of the program, and Livi had a solo in the main program. They did great!

Its been so nice the last week. It sounds like we're in for some colder wetter weather again now... possibly even some snow. :( I'm ready for it to just stay nice now!

Answer Please

Just a yes or no would be nice. Don't make me guess. Don't speak in code. Just yes...or no.

Smile

Today we took Mom for a check-up. The dr was really surprised at how well she's doing. She was grimmacing a bit when she got out of the chair to walk to the table, and he asked if she should be back in the hospital and she said "Heavens no!". He said that was a good answer. He said her incision looked great! Nice and pink and healthy. She got one of her drains out, but still has 2 left. She's allowed to drink more, and drink other things now, she can have jello, and in a couple weeks she can start trying toast. She doesnt need to go back for 2 months unless something comes up.

I'm into week 4 of weight loss/healthier eating. So far I'm down 14lbs. I'll take it. I'm really excited to get this going, finally. I have lots of motivation this time...and one thing in particular. :) The only thing I'm having trouble with is getting C25K started. I wanted to start yesterday, and 6:00 am is the best time for me to fit it in, but I just couldnt get myself out of bed. I'm having trouble sleeping the last couple weeks, and I just cant seem to get up with any energy at all. Then I had to drive carpool last night, ended up with a headache, so I just never got on the treadmill. I need to force myself. Its something I really want to do, but getting started is just not fun, lol.

Maybe I need to post a picture somewhere of why I want to do all this...

Happiness is...

...going out for the evening and coming home to a clean house.

...going out for the evening.

...taking a good friend out to celebrate his birthday after a very long week.

...texting with my chicklets so they know I love them and am thinking about them.

...learning a lot from a book I'm reading.

...living in the moment.

Get a Grip

I need to just get a grip on my life and emotions. I'm letting things get all mixed up together, and then get overly emotional and irrational about things because I cant sort them out. I've done a lot of thinking the last few days, and I think what I've figured out is: I'm where I want to be. I dont want to try to work things out with Mike. Its been bad longer than it was good. Too many feelings have been hurt. We're actually getting along now, and can have a good relationship to show the girls, even if its not living together. We've both learned a lot since we've split...what we did wrong, what we could improve, what we could fix, (what we can do different next time) etc. But thats not entirely everything. Besides the emotional part of things, there's also the physical, and thats not something I can fix. Its not something I want with him, and I cant pretend for the rest of my life. And I'm not in love with him anymore. At best guess, I probably never was. I thought I was. I was infatuated. And thats not fair to either of us. Its not at all how I set out for things to be, but its how things are working out.
So why all the personal drama over the weekend? Because its what he represents that I miss. I miss the affection. I miss being close with someone. I miss having someone to lean on, to take care of, just to talk to. I'm missing something in my life. (The thing is, its been missing for much longer than I've been separated.)

It feels like a weight has been lifted. I feel like my head has cleared some. I feel a little more at peace. Maybe I can better accept a few things that have happened lately and just be thankful.

I'm on the right path.

Drama Anyone?

Of course its my own drama. Doesnt really involve anyone else, at least not that they know.

Dh was here last night for over 2 hours. Most of that time we spent talking with me. I have no clue whats up. Things have been less stressful family wise since he moved out. I yell at the girls sometimes (which I really need to stop), but its not like it was when we were all together. But there have been low points too. So last night during our chat, it came up as to whether or not we are fixable. Now? After 10 months apart? And him having a g/f for the last 7 or so? Really? He thinks I want to try to work things out. I dont know if I do or not. Its easier to talk to him now, he's nicer when he's here (most of the time), but what if we would try to work it out....would we just fall back into the same old bad habits and end up where we are now anyway? I do want him to be happy. What if what he has with his gf will make him happy? If we try again and dont work, then he doesnt have me or her. I told him even if I did want to work things out, I wouldnt say anything. I feel that he's obviously moved on. Why should I ruin that? Part of me feel that 16 years was a waste. Thats a LONG time to waste in the big picture of life. I mean, I got my girls out of it, and I wouldnt trade that for the world, but still... Is it worth trying to fix? I just dont know what to do. In my heart, I really dont think we can be fixed, but should it be a priority to try? Like I dont have enough stress....

And then there's my mom. They told her on Thursday she'd be in 4-5 more days. Then Friday they walked in and said "see ya". So she's at aunt Jackie's. I havent gotten the whole story yet, but it sounded like they wanted her to go into nursing care somewhere for awhile first, but no one arranged it so she came home. I'm going to see her after lunch. Dr Martin is great, but the after care there isn't all that great, and it seems like no one talks to each other about what the plan is. They always say one things as to when she's being released, then walk in one day and say "you're going home today". It would be nice if we had time to make a plan! But she's home anyway, and a home health nurse is coming in once a day. All I say is she better not get sick from them letting her go too soon, or to a place she's not ready to be!

And to top it off, they rejected my taxes. Ugh!

What's Next?

No school today. Surprised? How about if I say it was in the 50s yesterday and this morning? And it rained overnight. A lot. On top of 6-8" of snow. And now everything is flooded. Its a mess!
Alexis and I went to town to get groceries. We got there with no trouble, then went to the BMV to pick up a paper to get Mom's license plates. Then the trouble started. We tried to get home. Every road heading south, east or west was closed. We drove around for 30 minutes, turning around, trying other ways....before we finally got out of town. The road to Holmesville is closed. The road in front of the other Walmart is flooded. Things are just a mess.

Mom is still doing good. Her scope is tomorrow. The girls and I are going down Wednesday after school for her b-day. We wont be able to stay long, but I'd really like to see her on her b-day, and I think she'll like to see the girls. We picked up a couple mylar balloons today to take along too. And Chad will be there.

In other good news, I decided last week to really work on this stupid weight loss. I can come up with excuse after excuse and keep putting it off or saying I'll start next week or after this or that. Well, it never comes. So, its time. For real. For good. Even with spending a night in Columbus last week, eating out several times, going back to Columbus 3 other times, I still lost 7 lbs. If I pay attention to what and more importantly, how much I eat, I can do this. I know its unreasonable to expect to keep up that pace, but I'm hoping for good numbers at least for awhile to keep the motivation up. I also want to get my treadmill back from the other house so I can start C25K again. I have that desire to run. (What is wrong with me and where is that coming from???)

Long Week

Tuesday ended up being a snow day. Ugh! Will it ever end? Aunt Jackie, Aunt Bobbi and I went to Columbus around 1:00. Mom was still in ICU, but seemed a little more with it. She would talk some and knew a little more about what was going on. We spent the night down there, and when we got to the hospital Weds they already had the ICU discharge papers. Visiting hours are over at 2, and she hadnt moved yet. We went back at 5 for the next visiting, and they were just wheeling her out. So she was moved to the James. Two things about this concerned her...first she asked if she was in the James, did that mean the pathology report showed cancer? No. And the nurses reassured her of this. Its also a surgical floor, and thats where they had planned to take her. The pathology report isnt back yet. The second thing she asked me was if she was schizophrenic. She said she heard her ICU nurse tell the orderly transporting her to be careful with her because she's schizophrenic. Hmmm. I'm wondering if she really heard that, or if she misunderstood what she said. I mean, my mom says some crazy things when she wakes up from the anesthesia and meds, but she's fine. It really bothered her though.
Today she is off oxygen, and they took the NG tube out, which I'm sure she's thrilled about. They also put an IV in her arm, and when they're sure its doing its job, they'll take the central line out of her neck. I think she goes in next Tuesday to do the bladder scope and possibly place a stent. I thought if they did that then they'd take the kidney drain out, but Chad doesnt know if thats right or not. So we'll see. I'm going back down tomorrow.

Today was yet another snow day. I am soooo sick of snow! Really, enough is enough. The girls were awful today. They fight, back talk, wont do the few chores they have, etc. It has worn on me to the point that I broke down after they left with their dad. I think all the stress of Mom, them, taking care of things here, etc...it was just too much. I really need to sit them down and explain a few things to them. I cant keep going like this. My friend told me this week his best friend had a heart attack Sunday night. He's only a year older than me. Thats scary. Thankfully it was a mild one, but they're saying stress was a factor. Great. One more thing to worry about.

I want to be happy. I want to be a better mom to my kids. I dont know how to change things. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.

What a Day

It actually started at 12:20 this morning. The phone rang, which is never a good thing at that time of the morning. I didnt recognize the number, so I almost didnt answer it, and then realized it was a Columbus number. It was Mom. She was saying something wasnt right there, that she was doing the same things over and over, that she was watching the same movie over and over. I tried to explain that in ICU they have to do their "routine" every hour, so it seems like she's going over the same things again and again. I asked her if she knew what time it was, and she said 20 after 12. I asked her if she knew it was midnight, and she said yes. So something had to be really bothering her to call me at that time. I talked to her nurse, and he said she woke up agitated and anxious, but was able to answer his questions. He said she seemed a bit confused about where she was and why, but she was ok.
Then I got another call at 6 this morning. When I answered, the first thing she said was, "Oh, it is you". Like she didnt expect it to be me that answered. I asked her if she was ok, and she said she just wanted to make sure she was in the James. I told her yes, she had moved from ICU to her room last night. It seemed like she thought they moved her somewhere and we werent going to be able to find her. I asked her if she wanted me to come down, and she said no, but seemed relieved when I told her Chad was going down today.
So Chad gets there just in time to find them putting her on a guerney for more surgery. The doc called me because he didnt feel she was coherent enough to consent to the surgery. She needed a tube put in to drain her kidney because they think she has a leak in her urinary tract. They put a tube in her throat during surgery, and had a hard time with that. So when she came out, they left it in (in case of an emergency) and put her back in ICU. If her vitals are stable overnight, they'll take the tube out and take her to a room tomorrow morning.
To top it all off, I'm stuck here at home. After being 60+ degrees on Friday, it snowed like a blizzard here this afternoon. I cant imagine there will even be school tomorrow, but if there is, I have a sub lined up so I can head to Columbus. As soon as the roads are clear enough tomorrow, I'm heading down. I'm not sure if I'll come home tomorrow, or wait til Wednesday. I just hate being so far away.

To make today even stranger, I got a prank call this morning at 6 as well. Some guy random dialed me looking for some "phone fun". Geesh, I'm almost 40 years old. I just kept thinking, if he knew who he called, he'd hang up awfully quick, lol. Instead he called at least 50 times. I didnt give him what he was looking for, and didnt answer all the calls, but I thought it was a bit funny.

Definitely hoping for a better tomorrow all around.

Lots to Post

Maddy is finally on the mend. Hope we can all stay healthy now.

Mom had surgery Friday. It was a long day. We got to the hospital at 5:30, went up to pre-op just after 6, and Mom went into surgery at 7:30. She went to recovery at 3:30. But...things weren't quite as they planned. The mass was not on her liver. It was beside it. And they dont think it was cancerous. Apparantly the top of her colon had a leak, and it formed this mass. So they removed it, sewed up the hole, and somehow connected part of her colon to her stomach, so her stomach drains in two places now. I guess she has a stent in her stomach (?) that will have to be removed in a few weeks. Not sure on those details though. I just dont know a whole lot yet. Today she was sitting in the chair a lot of the time I was there, but slept a lot too. They said they have her ICU discharge papers, and as soon as a bed was available, they'd move her to the James. Chad is going down tomorrow. I told him to ask a lot of questions. Hopefully they'll know more since we're back to weekdays. No one knows anything on weekends.

I think I'm letting something bother me more than I think it is. I had a dream last night, and it wasnt something I even want to be thinking about. And I didnt know it was really getting to me that much. But if its not, then why am I dreaming things like that? I dont think its really whats there thats bothering me, its reminding me what I dont have that is.

Calgon...

Actually, I should say Lysol, take me away...or take the germs away!

We had Ali and Maddy's birthday party yesterday. After several phone calls, some of the people decided not to come because Maddy was running a fever of 103*. Ugh! But some still came. Maddy didnt move from the chair in the family room, except to open her gifts. :) The rest of the time she stayed there covered up resting.

I decided to take her temperature before bed in case she needed more medicine, and her fever was 104.4! So I called Mom, and she said to take her to the ER. So off we went. Thankfully we got right in, and were only gone maybe 1 1/2 hours, but it ends up she has an ear infection. I think it started 2 weeks ago when she was sick over the snow days. But she stopped complaining, and even still says her ears dont hurt. So she is now on 10 days of antibiotics. One of the funniest things about going last night was when the nurse came in with 2 small cups of medicine. To say Maddy is horrible about taking medicine is an understatement. So she gives her the first cup and gets her a popcicle. She sips. Gags. Threatens to have to give her more if she pukes. Then tells her if she doesnt drink the meds, she'll have to give her a shot. Maddy takes another sip, then looks at the nurse and says, "I'll take the shot.". I thought I was going to die laughing, and I thought the nurse was going to fall off her stool. No shot, but she eventually drank the meds (20 minutes later!). I just hope this makes her better now.

So I took my first whole sick day to stay home with her today. I'm afraid to go back tomorrow. My sub called 3 times before lunch! Its the one 2 other librarians complained about at our meeting on Friday. Ugh! I think Maddy will stay home again tomorrow, but Aunt Jackie is coming to stay with her. I dont have any classes tomorrow, just the intervention, so its dumb to get a sub, but its my short day and I might get out a bit early.

Oh the joys of parenting. They just never end. :)

And so it begins...

Ali is on her first date. I'm excited for her, but not for me, lol. I cant be the mom of a girl old enough to date. Granted, his parents took them to a movie, but still... She's just growing up too fast!

Maddy is sick again. She's running a fever tonight, and asked to go to bed at 5:30! She made it til about 6:45, but has been sound asleep since then. Poor kid! I hope she gets up feeling better tomorrow. I'm having hers and Ali's b-day party here Sunday. I'm going to be disinfecting everything tomorrow. I'm tired of us being sick. We rarely get sick, so this is really dragging us down! (At least Maddy is waiting til no-school days to get sick!)

Happy birthday Ali!

Alexis turned 14 today. Just saying that makes me feel old. I cant believe I'm the mom of a 14 year old. I mean, she came home this week with papers to schedule her high school classes for next year. Sniff sniff. Makes me so sad. She's just growing up too fast! She even has a "date" Friday. Her boyfriend asked her to go to the movie. Unfortunately its her dad's weekend, and she doesnt want him to know about said bf, so I told her to tell him friends are going to the movie and want her to go, and would it be ok to just go to his house when she gets home.... I would be mad if they were keeping things like this from me, but I cant help but be on her side with this. He reacts so badly to things like this. Yes, I worry about her. I talk to her. I want her to make good decisions. But she also needs the chance to do that on her own. I can only hope I'm raising her with good judgement and values.
I love her dearly!

How Many Days...?

How many days til spring? The groundhog said it's going to be an early spring. I'll believe it when I see it. The ice we got during the week is still here, and it was sleeting again this morning. Then snow. And we're under a winter weather advisory for today until 8 pm. Groan. I'm so tired of winter. I dont really think I usually get that tired of winter, but this year it is wearing on me big time. I think having to chip my car out from under 1+" of ice this week was the last straw. (That took an hour!)

So, I'm ready for spring any time. Please be right Mr. Groundhog. My sanity is depending on it this year.

Wordless Wednesday: Snow Day

(I'd like to start doing this each week. We'll see how long it lasts...These were taken with my phone, so not so great...)

Updates

Snow day #6. (Actually we should call this ice day. We got no snow, but a lot of ice covering everything.) That means we make up Presidents day, and 2 days of spring break. I wont complain. I dont get paid for today, but its one day in a 2 week paycheck. I'll at last get 2 days pay during spring break now.
The good thing to having a snow day today---Maddy is sick. She woke up and threw up. At least she (and I) doesnt have to miss a day of school for it. I hope she feels better if we go back tomorrow. I feel so bad when my kiddos are sick.

And speaking of sick, Mom got the results of her CAT scan on Thursday. They found another spot. :( She also has an enlarged liver, and they think thats a result of her chemo. I think they're going to do a biopsy of that at some point. And, she's also collecting fluid in her abdomen and they dont know why. She had a PET scan yesterday, and will find out the results on Friday. Hopefully by then they'll know whats going on, and if she has to head back to Columbus.

On a brighter note, Pam and I got 2 walls framed and put up for Ali's room on Saturday. It feels good to make that progress. Chris was also working in the bathroom. He didnt get it done, but one more work day and I should have a bathtub. Then to figure out what to do with the shower...

What am I Missing?

Another day, another no show.

Can someone please enlighten me? I should post part of the email to see if I'm misunderstanding something. I thought, unless there was overtime involved, that he would be here last night. But "he would let me know" whats going on. No word. No email. No phone call. That just makes me crazy. I know people have things going on...going in to work at 3am, dental work, etc. But really, how hard is it to send just a quick message saying yes or no? I know he's done this to other friends. He'll say he'll meet them somewhere and then not show up. No call or anything. So why did I think it would be different with me? I should know. My luck doesnt go any other way.

Winter Blahs

The winter blues have finally hit. Hard. Things in life havent helped, and even my dream last night woke me up in a bad mood. At least the sun came out for awhile today...didnt help my blahs much, but it was nice to see.

I'm a bit depressed. I dont really know what has happened to cause this funk. Starting a bit before Thanksgiving, things started to look up. Life was going well, the job was good, the kids were happy...The hectic fall was over and we could relax a bit. Friends would come over.

But now I'm not sure whats going on. I know I've been vague...I really dont know who reads this (if anyone), but I guess I dont care anymore. I need a place to vent.
I'm not sure why my friend is being distant. Or at least it seems like it. I think I'm a pretty good people reader, so this is driving me crazy. When he's been here, he doesnt seem to want to leave. Is it because he likes the peacefulness of being here over the noise of the city? Is it the company? Is it just not wanting to go back out in the cold? I just dont know anymore. He's never been great about emailing...but it had gotten to be about once a week. Now its backed off again. Maybe I just dont have a clue about people...
All I really want to know is if there's any chance at all that we might date and see if there's anything here. If not, then I can move forward. But, I dont want to do anything else until I know for sure. I feel like I've waited for this chance for 21 years, so I cant let it pass again without knowing for sure. I just cant. I cant live with the "what ifs" anymore. But I'm a chicken. I cant come out and ask. And I'm not forward enough to "make a move", lol. I've invited him over, he's come. I thought we had a nice time...I even gave him an out when he showed up not feeling too well, and he ended up staying til almost 10pm. So why cant I read this? My patience is not good right now. I keep telling myself, I'm still legally married, if only on paper. (Hasn't stopped Mike from moving on...) I have 4 kids that come along with me. Thats a huge thing to ask someone to consider. (Of course, he keeps telling me the next time he comes he'd like the girls to be here so he can bring music and videos/movies to share with them. Another sign I seem to be misreading.) So what gives? I could be a lot more patient if I knew there was a chance. I can wait knowing there's going to be a "next time". But it doesnt seem to be happening like it started to unfold. And it bothers me a little more each day.

I also worry about things like whether the girls would want to ever go live with their dad. I just dont know what goes on in their heads. I'm almost positive Maddy wouldnt. She's my girl through and through. She had the chance to stay there last night, but asked if she please could come home. But what about the other girls? I dont know what I'd do w/o them. I love them dearly, and they really are my life right now. So its just something else that nags at me.

But since I'm a positive optimistic person, I'm going to finish with something happier. A friend came down for lunch today, and we wandered through the house looking for projects we can work on for little money. (Lord knows there's plenty of things that need done!) We're starting in the big bathroom. I NEED that shower done so I can fix mine. Its just becomming too much sharing my little shower. So we looked at what needs done, what I can do, what she can help me with, and what her husband can to (plumbing, electric). I cant wait to get started on that. (Even if the rest of the bathroom has to wait, at least we'll have a second functioning shower.)
The next project will be Ali's bedroom. I have the 2x4s to frame most of it. Her husband can come run wire to put in outlets and a ceiling light. Then it will have to wait til I can get the rest of the materials...but if I can slowly get a few things here and there, maybe she can have a room sooner rather than later. I'm so excited things are moving in the right direction here.

Only 2 1/2 months til spring. :)

Sigh

Weekends without kids give me a lot of time to sit and think. Not sure thats such a good thing. I was having a conversation with a friend last night and he gave me something to think about. I dont really think ahead to weekends w/o kids, so when they get here, I have nothing to do. I said I'll have to get used to this, and he said if I get used to it, life will just pass me by. Thats not exactly what I meant I had to get used to...I meant I needed to think ahead so I could make plans for my weekends alone, but he made a good point none the less.

I went to get groceries tonight, and on my way home I started thinking more. (WAY too much time for that this weekend, lol.) I was thinking about my friends. If someone asked me who my best friend is, I'm not sure I have an answer. I have many friends, and even people I consider good friends, but as far as a best friend...I just dont know. And I think thats sad.

On a better note, I'm still moving ahead with my life transformation. I now have a fridge full of healthy foods. I think its going to help so much having the exercise group for support. Its hard to do it alone, but guilt is a powerful thing, lol.

Where do I go?

Ahhh, gotta love stress...

Now I know why God "held" my paycheck til today... I'm going to need it. I also got another paycheck today (for tomorrow), and its the one from the 5 days of Christmas break. That hurts a LOT! That entire check is going to pay the down payment for my house insurance. Ugh!

I still have the septic bill to pay. I might just have to make payments. I'm SO glad the gas and electric bills are paid ahead. I'm still going to pay something on them, but it cant be a lot. How long can I keep doing this? When is reality going to kick me in the head and say "wake up...what are you doing with your life?". Ugh! If it wasn't for the missing pay over Christmas break, I wouldnt feel so bad. But still...I cant keep going this way. I have to figure out something else.

My hope is Mike either gets the job he interviews for so he can pay a bit more child support, or his SSD goes through so we get something from that. I dont need a lot, just enough to not have to worry about things so much.

I love my job. I love how close it is. I love that I'm with the girls, that I work the same days they go to school, that I still feel involved. I really dont want to give that up. But I'm not sure what else I can do....

Still Going...

Things are still going well for the most part. Still going to exercise, and still realizing I need some wrist weights. I found some online I think I'd like to get...they're at Kmart. Now just to get there...

Of course, it would help if I'd ever get my paycheck! I still havent gotten the one from Christmas break. I'm doing ok with money, and payday is Friday, but I'd like to get the bills paid. I guess this is a lesson in how far you can really stretch a dollar!

Then there's always the other situation. :) Its such a rollercoaster ride. A lot of days I feel good about things, and then other days there's a huge cloud of doubt hanging over me. Honestly, I'm not really fretting about it. (Its not causing me stress like it might have once up on a time...) What will be will be. I'd just like to know if there's a chance. Is it worth the time and effort? There were things said in the past that keep me hopeful...but a lot of time has passed. Things change.
Its funny how different things are now. I know what it used to feel like, the excitement, the anticipation... Its not the same now. Not that I dont look forward to things, thats not it at all. But its a deeper feeling, a sense of fulfillment... completeness. Its comfortable. Easy.

Patience. Not my strongest suit. ;) Time. I have lots of it. Guess I'll just have to use both the best way I can.

What?

I just dont know what to do right now. Its making me a bit crazy. I hide it well. :)

Day One Down!

Today was a decent day. I'm not going to say it was great...I had some chips at dinnertime, but overall, I'll take it. I had a fresh orange for lunch, and fresh veggies (with dip) for dinner. Thats probably as much as I had the entire Christmas break. (groan) I also drank a lot of water!

I also went to my first exercise class with the church group. I didnt expect it to be quite that involved. My legs are going to pay for it tomorrow. It feels GOOD! I'd like to get some light wrist weights to wear while we do it so I can tone my arms a bit more. But overall, I'm looking forward to going back and seeing some progress! (I also heard talk of a 5K walk the first weekend in February. I wouldnt mind doing that with them. I'd eventually like to run one.)

So overall I'm happy with my first day of my life transformation.

Happy New Year!

So many thoughts running around in my head right now. Last week I started thinking about all that has happened last year, good and bad, and what I'd like to see change/different for this year.



Right now I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with life. I feel like I've been doing ok for us, but now I get a bill from the septic people for doing nothing (that I know of---but yet my septic is still uncovered), and I'm facing either a new system or major work on this one. How in the world am I going to be able to pay for that? January is going to be a tough month. My paycheck from Friday will be missing 2 days pay for snow days. The next one in 2 weeks will only be for 5 days. So things are going to be tight. I'm soooooo thankful for the photo sessions I had this fall. They helped a ton with Christmas. I think I really have to sit down and consider that as a more serious money making opportunity for me. I already have a camera, backdrops/stand, etc. I just need to practice and advertise more. It could make the difference if having to look for a different "permanent" job, and being able to keep my job at the school.

Of course there's the "typical" get healthier/lose weight resolution... I'm not going to say thats mine. I want a whole new lifestyle. I'm not going to say, "I want to eat better. I want to lose weight. I want to exercise." For this year I'm going to say, "I'm going to eat better. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to exercise." I'm doing it for me. But not just for me---I want to be a better mom. No, wait...I'm going to be a better mom. I cant afford to do a lot of things with the girls, such as movies or amusement parks, etc. But I can afford to take them hiking or biking or swimming, etc. But I want/need to be comfortable doing that. I also want to start doing more family things in the evenings...like playing games or just hanging out together. I want to have a family meeting tomorrow when all guests are gone and its just us here again. I want less fighting. Less yelling. Less arguing. Less stress.

***And there will be less computer time for all!***

Then there's another issue... I really want to save enough money to file the dissolution papers. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of having that tie still there. I'd like to move on. (There's more to this part of the story, but I'm just not sure how to say it on here...)

So I have a lot of things I want to change. I know its not going to be easy, and its not going to happen over night, but I have to get the kids on board too.

Some days I think its really too bad I cant at least glimpse into the future. It doesnt have to be far, or even long, but just a peek...enough to let me know if putting the effort into some things will pay off in the end. I guess that would take the fun out of things, but it sure could ease some heartbreaks.

I'm really hoping for a change in my life...an addition to it maybe. I think the girls would be happy with it, and it would add some fun. But this is one of those things...is it worth the effort? I cant believe God would leave this in my life for soooo long for no reason at all...so I'm hopeful. But its hard, and I hate waiting. I need a sign, lol.

I'm planning the New Years Eve party. Not really party as much as get-together. Planning on some games and eucher! I'm looking forward to the new year, and optimistic of things to come. Like my phone wallpaper says "Give me a new year to remember".

Works for me. :)

Merry Christmas

A couple days late. We had a really really nice Christmas. Friday we did the traditional seafood dinner at the home with my grandma. Even Ralph and his girlfriend were here this year. Then back here for gifts and goodies. At the 9pm Christmas Eve service, Mom, Chad and I sang O Holy Night. I love doing that. Its my favorite Christmas song.
Saturday we opened gifts here, then the girls went to their dad's while the rest of us went to my aunt's for brunch. Mmmmmm. Then they went to get my grandpa and we all came here for gifts and food and games. It was a fun day.

Now we're trying to get things back in order for the New Years get together here on Friday. There seems to be so much to do before then, and its not getting done very quickly. Oh well... I'm not really sure how many people are coming, but I wouldnt mind if its not too many. The girls are having a few friends over, and I'm hoping to have a friend over... I'm in the mood for eucher!

Its just been a really nice Christmas break so far!

T minus 4 days...

...til Christmas. I'm almost ready. I just cant figure out what to get my mom! She should be the easy one to buy for, but I'm pretty much clueless. If I had a bit more money, I know what I'd get her, but since I dont...and the clock is ticking...

Sis is here. The girls are thrilled. And today was their last day of school, so tomorrow they're going to bake cookies. I still have to work, but it should be a pretty easy day. Then the fun begins. :)

Day 3 of 3

We are now officially out of snow days for the year, and its not even Christmas break yet. Who came up with this brilliant idea??? I guess I can look on the bright side...I'll be getting paid for some of spring break. :) I think they'll be kicking themselves for today though...I think we could have gotten by with a 2 hour delay. Doesnt look too bad at all out right now, plus the sun is shining.

I havent gotten much more done than I did yesterday. Must get busy.

Day 2 of 3

Ugh. Snow day today. One more and we'll have to start making them up. Not only that, but no pay today. :( Please have school tomorrow! Its not looking real promising outside. Its been snowing pretty hard off and on, plus its still blowing a lot. If there isn't school again, I HAVE to be more productive than I was today!

Please have school. Please have school.... (2 hour delay would be nice, lol.)

Sweets and fun

Yesterday was a fun day. My mom and 2 aunts came over to make cookies and candy. We made 2 batches of Russian Tea cakes, 7 layer bars, cutouts, turtles, chocolate covered pretzels (knots and rods), buckeyes, peanut clusters, raisin clusters, fudge, caramels and peanut brittle.

We're getting hit with snow and cold now. We're really wondering if there will be school tomorrow. Honestly, I'm hoping for a 2 hour delay. I can still get to school on time and not lose any pay. However, I won't be hugely disappointed if there isnt school. We'll continue with the baking and candy making. I'd like to make a few more kinds of cookies, and we dont have anything with white chocolate yet. The girls also want homemade donuts if there's no school. (Maybe for lunch, lol.) So it wouldnt be awful if there wasnt school, but I really do need the money. (I only get paid for 2 days over Christmas break.)

I can really do without the snow though!

Moving Right Along

I feel like this week is just flying by. I cant believe tomorrow is already Thursday! Usually I dread Thursdays, as they are my long days, but I dont think tomorrow will be so bad. The kids are making poinsettias this week, after we read about Christmas in Mexico. So far they're having a fun time with it, and they are really turning out great.

We're making cookies and candy on Saturday. Looking forward to that. The only thing that would make it better is if Sis would be here. But I think I have most everything we need. Mmmmm, just the thought is making me anxious! :)

I have the big girls Christmas gifts ordered. I'm so excited! I got them each a Zune 30gb mp3 player. They are awesome. I think I got a great deal, and hopefully they'll be here by the end of the week. I did a little more Christmas shopping tonight, and got the little girls each a pair of boots they wanted. (Some "like the big girls"...not "play in the snow" boots) They'll love those. Not sure what else to get. Oh, I did get a few stocking stuffers too...

The workers are done on the house. They are really a super group of guys. They did some little extras they're not allowed to do, like paint the living room where they patched, and the big girls' bedroom. They would have done mine too, but I must not have any leftover paint. They put new aerators on the bathroom sinks, so the water doesnt spray all over the place anymore. They cleaned the basement so we'll have room to set up the ping pong table and bowling table. They put up the tv shelf on the wall in the big girls room. They were just wonderful. (Mom said they're having a luncheon for the whole weatherization department next week, so I'm sending in some of the cookies they liked so well.) I just hope they realize how much I appreciate everything they did!

:)

My heart is happy again. Had a nice visit with a friend. He started not feeling well, so I thought he might go home, but he stayed...we went for dinner, then to get him some meds at Walmart. He took some when we got back here and seemed to feel better after a bit. He already asked about coming back next week with music for the girls and stuff. I'm smiling again. :)

Sasha's photo shoot was, um, interesting. It was her kids and David's sisters baby. Trin didnt want to sit with them, or she wanted to touch them or whatever. But I think I got a few decent pics. And, my friend offered me the use of his camera. Nice.

Moving right along

The house is coming right along. They have all the insulation blown in the main floor. (not sure if they're done in the basement yet...) Its a bit messy, and I spent a lot of last night cleaning the living room. I had to vacuum the walls, furniture, dust everything, etc. But its better. Now I need to do that to the rest of the house. Ugh!
But, they are a great group of guys working here. They're very respectful to me and my things, clean up after themselves, etc. They tolerate the girls when they get home...even Maddy who wants them to pay attention to her. I just appreciate all they're doing for me!

One setback is they called me on Tuesday and said I was getting water in the basement. Great. They went out in the pouring rain and dug around the septic tank, and found out its full. Thats pretty much impossible, since the tank is HUGE and it was just pumped last year. So something is wrong. I had someone come look at it yesterday, and thankfully he thinks its not going to be a huge expense. Of course, he's just guessing at this point, but he said it doesnt show signs of being something awful.

And I'm finding through this whole process, 95% of life is who you know. I'm also incredibly thankful my mom is such a great lady, because I think a lot of what I'm getting and what they're doing is because I'm her daughter. Not that they dont do the whole package for everyone, but I requested the furnace guy who came. I didnt lie...he was here the longest and was the most thorough during the inspection, but he's also the husband of my mom's good friend at work. He was great. He's also going to come back to seal up a couple entrances in the drains. But, in his estimate for that, he worked the numbers so he could get a drain camera to run through the drains to see about the water. He did that Weds. Community Action wont pay for that, but he worked it so he could do it for me. Then, when he found the cracked tile, he gave me the number for the guy who came to look at it yesterday. This guy even called the furnace guy to see what he saw/found with the camera. Its all in who you know...

My friend is supposed to come back to visit tomorrow. Hope he's still planning on it. I'm taking pics for Sasha. I thought it was Sunday, but when I looked at the calendar, its actually tomorrow. Good thing I checked.

Hard

Today was a very hard day. I had the papers to sign to give the house back to my grandpa, so we could go through all the steps to get it back to me legally and w/o taxes and such. The problem was, Mike had to sign off too. When I first told him, he was ok with it. But then sometime this week he got a burr up his butt about something, and decided he didnt want to sign. He wanted $10,000 for his troubles. Um, really? This is so my grandpa can stay in the nursing home and get the care he needs and deserves. Plus, we agreed this would be my house and that one would be his. So whats the big deal??? I was so stressed out today, talking to him, yelling at him, texting him, etc. I was on the verge of tears many times. I didnt want the girls to see how bad this was affecting me, but I'm sure they did. Plus I had a friend's kids here, so I didnt want it to be awful. But it was. Thankfully it all worked out, and he finally signed. It should be back to me, but they need to be filed with the lawyer now. I'm SO glad to have that out of the way. There really isn't anything else he could take from me that means this much, except the girls of course, but they wouldn't go if he decides to fight me for them.

Then to top it off, my friend was supposed to come over tomorrow, and now we need to reschedule. He had family show up unexpectedly from out of state, so understandably he wants to spend some time with them. But I sure could have used the distraction... Another day soon though.

Guess I'll crank the Christmas tunes tomorrow and make the place look festive! I am going to be happy for the holidays! :)

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I've been looking forward to it for quite some time now. Its going to be different...I only have one place to go this year. And I'm looking forward to that too. So much has changed this year, and I have so much to be thankful for...

-My relationship with God continues to grow
-My mom remains cancer free
-I have 4 beautiful, healthy girls that mean the world to me
-I have a nice warm house to live in
-I'm part of a great family
-I have a job I like
-I have wonderful friends

I could keep going, but those are the basics.

Of course, those wonderful girls like to keep things interesting... Today at school things were crazy. It was the Thanksgiving feast, where the whole school eats together in the gym. Then everyone goes out for recess at the same time. The kids were really good being out there for so long together. But, about 5-10 minutes into recess, I saw the playground aide walking Livi back to this side of the playground. They got part way over, and Livi knelt down. I figured something was wrong, so I went over. I looked at her and she had a HUGE goose egg on her forehead. So I took her in to get some ice. She said she wasnt dizzy (but had been after it happened) and didnt feel sick, so at the end of recess she went back to her class. Its still pretty ugly, and continues to get green/blue. Should be pretty for Thanksgiving tomorrow.

More Ramblings...

I had a first at school yesterday. After a particularly long and stressful week, it was Friday and my last class of the day, which happens to be first grade. I'm thinking this will be an easy time, as they were going to finish watching a Thanksgiving movie, then check out books and go home. So they come in and I start the movie. There is a little girl in that class that really drives me crazy. She tattles, she whines, and nothing seems to suit her. They had only been in there about 5 minutes, when another student comes up and says this little girl is stuck in her chair. I didnt quite understand, so I went over, and sure enough, she was STUCK in her chair! She had been sitting on her knees rocking in the chair, and slipped through the back up to her waist, and could not get out. I tried helping her, but she was really stuck. Of course she was crying, and I just as I went to get help, her teacher came in to see what was wrong. So we tried to get her out and no luck. Two more staff members came in then, and they took her out in the hall so I could get the rest of the class back on track. What a circus. It took 3 of them to get her out. I'm not really sure how they worked it, but she came back in a few minutes later free of the chair. I kinda felt like it was karma, but she wouldnt understand that yet. I just want to explain to her that if she does what she's supposed to do, this wouldnt happen...that she should be concerned with herself and not everyone else. Anyway, I'm sure she's over the trauma now. I still get a good laugh thinking about it.

The girls are at their dad's this weekend. I'm here alone. At least its been relatively productive. I wasted most of the morning just vegging...I needed that a lot! I'm still on the verge of a cold, so the extra rest felt good! Since then I've done 4 loads of laundry, taken all the stuff out of the bathroom and scrubbed the carpet, and gone to do pics. I have 2 loads of laundry to finish, and I'd like to clean out the bathtub, but I'm not sure I'll get to the tub tonight since the carpet is wet. It will be so nice to have a bathroom in some kind of order again. I hate the change of seasons clothing pile up!

Is it bad I'm (almost) counting the days until my friend comes back for another visit? I just had such a nice time last weekend. It would be nice if this became a regular thing.

Stress

Is it Friday yet?

Its been a long week. I've been ready for Friday for several days now. Last night was particularly bad. The girls came home from school in moods. Every one of them. Fighting. Picking. Tormenting. They wouldn't stop for anything...not when I took things away, sent them to rooms, etc. So I left. Yep, just left. Took the grocery list and went to the store. Of course, I got texts and calls while I was there, but they finally left me alone. They were all banished to their rooms by 8:45. Not a good night.

I've been waking up early too. 4:00 yesterday morning from the wind. 3:30 this morning from coughing. I dont really have a cough, but I'm getting a cold, and the back of my throat is covered in big red bumps, and I had a tickle. Yesterday I never did go back to sleep. Today I finally went back to sleep at some point, but it wasnt long enough.

And I have the start of this cold. I'm doing the neti pot twice a day to hopefully keep it at bay. I cant get sick. I dont have time. I think if I keep that up, keep hydrated and get some rest, I'll be ok.

On the bright side...They started weatherizing my house yesterday! Its going to take 2-3 weeks to get it all done, but at least I'll have a nice warm house for Christmas.

I'm been reading my SIL's blog lately. It gives me a lot to think about. I wish my thoughts were as organized and as well put together as hers. I'm all over the place, kinda like this post. I just type as things come to mind, in no particular order, with no profound words or advice or meaning. Just my ramblings.

I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. I need a weekend to recoup.

Smiling...

What a nice day today. It was super sunny, 70* and so nice. To top it off, my friend came to visit today. I haven't seen him in 8 years, so it was really nice to catch up. I mean, we've kept in contact over the years (ever since we met), but its not the same as just having the chance to have a real conversation.
We walked all around Fredericksburg, just taking in the sites and such. He took a few pics, and we chatted. Walked up to the park for him to take some pics of the big tree, then sat up there for a bit and chatted. Then we went to have lunch in Berlin. Not sure why I picked Berlin, since its a super nice day---and Saturday---at noon! But there was a reason. We walked into the restaurant and there was a display of paintings for sale. He wasnt impressed, and the most expensive one wasnt very good. So it put a bug in his head about painting and trying to sell some around this area. :) I told him it was a sign, and he said he agreed.

We came back here and he loaded photoshop for me, showed me a few easier ways to edit, etc. He didnt really want to leave, just wanted to sit and enjoy the view, the peacefulness... But he wanted to drive at least the back roads in the daylight (what was left). He also asked when would be a good time for him to come back. He's talking the week of Thanksgiving...thats like only a little over a week away!

It was just a really nice, relaxing, laid back kind of day.

God is Good!

Breathing another HUGE sigh....
Mom and Aunt Jackie went to an estate planner today. He asked a lot of questions, about the family, Grandpa, etc. When all was said and done, he told them they could keep everything. I can sign the house over to my other aunt, and because she's disabled, it will be considered a gift from my grandpa. She can then sign it over to me. It will be mine. For real this time. I'll still have to make payments on it, but wont have to get a loan. I'll just pay into a trust fund. He's going to take care of everything so they wont have to go through probate when something happens to Grandpa. So, my mom can keep her house, she doesnt have to move in here, and we get to stay. He hopes it can all be done by the end of the month.
It seems to me that someone much higher up wants the girls and I to live here as much as we want to live here.

Warmth

The furnace guys are coming today. I should have heat by the weekend! Thats always a good thing at this time of year.

Ahhhhh....

What a wonderful weekend. It was the crafter/quilter retreat at Round Lake. I went after work on Friday, and left today around 3. We had so much fun!
Friday night we stayed up til around 2, then went to our room and chatted til about 3. Up and at 'em bright and early Saturday morning for breakfast at 8. Then we had the day to do what we wanted. I almost finished Mr Richard's scrapbook. Other than that, I made cards. I didnt get any of my own scrapbooking done, but I didnt take anything intending to get any done. I should keep the momentum going and work on it here now.
Saturday after dinner we were hitting a real tired time, so we took a nap for about an hour. That gave us our second wind. At 3 am Heather got out stuff to do a "project". We made ornaments. It was fun. Then at 3:30 (which was actually 4:30 old time---it was daylight savings weekend) we decided to go to bed. But first we did cartwheels in the hallway.
This morning was pajama worship, then crafting the rest of the day. We had to be out by 2:30-3:00 today.

Its nice to be home, but this weekend is something I've really come to look forward to. Its so relaxing, refreshing, and just plain fun.

Now I need to catch up on my rest. I'm not really overly tired, but I think I could go to bed now and sleep til tomorrow... :)

One down...

IT PASSED. IT PASSED!

Need I say more??? :)

Waiting...

So today is the day. Today we find out whether we'll continue to have community elementary schools, or whether they'll be closed and torn down. I'm really stressed today. If this doesn't pass, I'll be crying tonight, for more than one reason. I really hope people dig deep and search their hearts and do what's right.

Last night was the first night I heard Brenna say how stressed she is about the whole situation. Thats sad. The kids should not have to worry about these things. They should just enjoy school and being kids. I hope they have reason to relax tomorrow!

Oh, and the big girls party went well. Before Matthew even got home he was texting Ali saying how they need to do that again soon. I dont think they did much, but I guess they had a good time just being together.

In other news...I have to come up with the money to keep the house. The nursing home is already asking about it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. Mom said one solution would be for her to sell her house, renovate the basement, and move in here. While it wouldnt be all bad, I dont want that at all. I want the basement for the girls to hang out in. I want a cool place to go in the summer. I want to have parties and get togethers.... There has to be another way. I have the ping pong table, bowling table, etc...for the girls. Where am I supposed to put those??? There has to be another way...

Ahhhh....

Breathing a sigh of relief. The bookfair, and the longest week I've had in a long time, is over. Feels good. I think the bookfair was pretty successful. I kept a bunch of books out of the bookfair for me to add to the library, and still have a bit of money to spend. Its kinda fun. :)

Yesterday I went to the 6th grade room towards the end of the day (they were having their end of the month celebrations) and asked for volunteers to come help tear down the bookfair. I had 6 BOYS come down to help...gave up their free time and a bit of outside time to help me in the library. So I bought them each a pop, and we were done in about 30 minutes. I appreciated their help a bunch!

Then after school Livi had 3 friends, and Maddy had 1 come over for a little party. They ate donuts off a string and bobbed for apples. Then they had pizza, played for just a bit, then went home. I think it was a success, even for only 2 hours. It made Livi happy to be able to have a party, made the kids happy to do some fun things, and made me happy to have them out after a short time, lol. :)

Tonight the big girls are having their party. I have no clue what they're going to do. We looked in to a murder mystery, but didnt know how many kids were going to end up coming. So, I'm thinking bonfire, maybe a scary movie, pizza.... Just dont know. So we'll see. Of course, this one is going to be coed, and longer---4 hours. Hope I'm still breathing that sigh of relief when its over. :)

When...

When does it get easier? When do things work out like they're supposed to? When do I get a break? I got an email from Mom today saying she needs to talk to me. Its VERY important. And she left it at that. You cant leave me hanging like that. So I asked her what its about and she said the house. We were afraid this might happen. The nursing home has apparantly asked what happened to the money from the sale of the house. Well, I havent paid on it yet. I'm planning to start after the first of the year. But they want the money for him to stay there. I cant just keep the house since it hasnt been 5 years since I bought it...its only been 1 1/2. Its so not fair. I'm trying to do whats right...trying to take care of my family. I dont want to lose this house! But who is going to give me a loan with only a part time job? I really need this to worry about on top of everything else. Sometimes life is just not fair.

Monday

Well, its Monday. The little girls missed the bus this morning. It wasnt their fault. They had a sub driving, and he was about 8 minutes early. The girls were just heading out the door, and he only slowed down, never completely stopped. Grrrrr.

I set up the book fair over the weekend. It took about 4 1/2 hours. I had waaaaaay too much stuff, and not enough places to put it all. So its everywhere! I'm hoping for some good sales though.

And now tonight I have a headache. Lovely.

I just have so much on my mind these days:

The levy is starting to stress me out again as voting draws near. There are still some really stupid people out there. I read their posts on the Daily Record site, and I wonder what they're really thinking. I mean, really??? Sorry, but there is nothing more important that my kids education. No matter what they decide to do...they need a good education. So if we need to support it now, why wouldnt we? I just dont get it.
But its not only affecting the kids this time...it affects me too. It makes me ill to think about getting a different job. I have the perfect job for a single mom with kids in school and activities. I keep thinking maybe they can find more hours and stuff for me to do next year if it passes. That would be great. But if it fails, I'm out. (Ok, thats not for sure, but I'm almost positive.) Even if I would stay, do I really want to deal with 35 kids in the library at a time in a strange school? I cant think I'd like that job all that much.

Then there's Grandpa. I dont know how much better he's doing, although Mom said he was sitting up tonight when she went. She said he still looks bad. I'm going to try to go see him Wednesday.

So Mike stops by tonight and we were chatting. He said his mom asked him about Thanksgiving and if he was going to bring the girls out for awhile. And that I'm invited too. I still dont think he knows what he wants, and I know she'd like to see us back together, but its not gonna happen. Its not what I want. Its not what the girls want.

My mom is battling a bit of depression. I worry about her. Her health is good at the moment, but if she gets depressed, its not going to help at all. I dont know what to do to help her. Alexis went down tonight to help her rake her leaves and mow her lawn...

And of course the other thing thats on my mind often....

This and That

Grandpa is back at the nursing home. They did some tests and found out he has legionella pneumonia. So they changed his meds, and he's doing a bit better. I hope he continues on the right path!

Today the stuff for the bookfair arrived at school. Holy overwhelming feeling! They stacked everything at the end of the library, so of course the kids wanted to see everything. I havent looked in all the boxes yet, but there is some neat stuff. I hope the kids find something they like and can get. I have the unfortunate task of setting it all up myself over the weekend. The girls will be with Mike, so... Fun times.

I have 3 people coming tomorrow to give estimates on a new furnace and hot water tank. I hope this doesnt take long...its COLD in here! Every time they come for something, its at least 2 weeks until I hear from someone, so I hope its not the case this time.

Grandpa is back in the hospital. He went to a new nursing home on Friday, but wasnt responding to the meds, and his fever went way back up tonight. They took him to Millersburg, then transferred him to Wooster. He has an infection. They think it must be viral since its not responding to the meds. He's pretty sick. I'm pretty worried.

I went to a community meeting at Holmesville tonight. There weren't a lot of people there, but there was some good information. More people need to go. I know times are tough, but we cant afford NOT to pass this levy. It would cost us all dearly.

I'm tired tonight. I've been feeling stressed again lately, and my eye has been twitching like crazy. Makes me crazy. I think I'll go to bed and try to get a little extra sleep.

Bored

I dont really have anything in particular to write about...I'm just bored. The older girls are at youth group, and the younger 2 are winding down for the night. I'd just like to crawl in bed now, but I have to pick up the older ones in 40 minutes or so. I have such a headache tonight. Gotta love hormones.



I need to check the weather for this week. I'd love to have some time to work outside. I would just like to keep things under control.

I also need to call about the furnace.

And I need to start Christmas shopping. I'm going to have to start now so I can get some things put away. I wont be able to wait til closer and buy it all at once. I already know a couple things I'm going to get.

Room to Breathe

I think things might start to slow down now. Today was Brenna's volleyball tournament. They lost the first game. Sometimes I just dont understand people's thinking. All season they played team 1, team 2, then if needed, team 1 again. 90% of the time, team 1 lost, then team 2 won to keep them in the match, sometimes against the same girls. But yet, today team 1 played the first set and lost, so she left them in to lost the match in 2 sets. Nice. Anyway, she's done now.

Ali still has practice this week. Then she and the little girls play next Saturday, then soccer is over too. I think the only thing they'll have then is Power of the Pen. Alexis has been doing that, but Brenna is talking about doing it too now that volleyball is over. I wont complain. Its educational, and once a week, lol.

As for me...I'm still plugging along. I worked out at the burn pile today. I really want to get it ready for bonfires...and we're going to try to have one Halloween weekend, which is rapidly approaching. Still have a lot of work to do, but I might have a bit more time to put towards it now.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for one other thing thats in the works. Preliminary plans look promising, but I'm not holding my breath. :)

Fun Times

Turning 40. Wow. I dont feel like I'm almost 40. Pennie, Heather, Stacie and I went out last night to celebrate Heather's b-day. She's the first of us to turn 40 (she will on Tues.). We went to Steve Dakota's Steakhouse. I know when I go somewhere with them, we'll be loud, and of course, Pennie and that laugh.... Well, we got to laughing last night, and the people at the tables on either side of us started making fun of Pennie's laugh. (The backs of the booths were too high to see over.) The manager walked up to our table, and we thought we might get a "warning", but he just wanted to see what all the fun was about. He made several visits to our table after that just to chat, and the owner even stopped over once.
After that we went back to Stacie's and watched "It's Complicated". More laughing. We just really had a good time.

I guess laughter really is the best medicine.

Emotional

I'm a bit of a mess today. I guess I didnt realize how things were getting to me until tonight. I really miss the girls when they go to Mike's. Its nice to have a bit of time alone, but when I'm just sitting here, I want them here.

I went to get a few groceries after they left. When I got home, I decided to straighten up the house. When I walked into the living room, one of the couches was gone. When we first split, I told Mike he could have it. But he got to keep his parents couch, so this one was going to stay. He just came and took it while I was gone. I was pissed. Its not that I need it, and if he'd have just came and talked to me about it, I would have let him take it. But it was the fact that he just walked in while I was gone and took it. So I called. And bitched. I told him I dont want him just walking in anymore. This isnt his house, and I NEVER go to his house. Ever. So I dont want him here at all when I'm not here, and if I am, knock. I dont want to be a bitch about things, but I'm not having him pull this crap whenever he feels like it.

My emotions are a bit screwed right now too. I'm still on the mini self pity party. I'm back to the self doubts I have. Why couldn't I make my marriage work? I know it takes 2, but still. I know there was a lot I messed up, but I still feel it wasnt entirely my fault. So if I couldnt make this one work, what makes me think I could ever have another? I would like to someday--I think. But how do I know I wont just mess that up too? I learned a lot...about myself, about being with someone... I would do a lot of things different. But that doesnt guarantee anything. There is no guarantee. In anything.

So, I will push on. I'll get over this. I should see a shrink. But maybe I'll just go cry a bit instead.

Happy (?) Anniversary

Happy anniversary to me. 15 years. Actually, 14 1/2, but we're still legally married, so 15 years today. In a way, it makes me sad. It seems like such a waste, to be with someone for so long, then have it end. Yet I have 4 wonderful girls that I wouldnt trade for the world. So while a lot of the last 15 years were not happily married, I'd have to do it all again if given the chance, because changing it wouldnt give me my girls. And I love them dearly!

Family Fun

Why do they have to fight? Why??? So things are fine all evening. They're even playing together...until the little 2 go to bed. Now the big 2 are fighting over who gets to shower first. Usually its who has to shower first. But no. Not tonight. So I can hear screaming and fighting clear in here from my bathroom. Lets just say they were not happy to see me show up in there. Really girls?

(I of course, have an obvious solution to the problem, but that will lead to accusations of favoritism and such. Its really a no win situation...)

Blah

I started this post once, but it wasnt coming out quite right. Let me try again.

Things are just a bit blah in life right now. Maddy was sick Friday. I started feeling not so good on Sunday, and have had stomach cramps since. Today Brenna came home early from school not feeling well. Lovely. I hope we get over this quick!

I found out Saturday that Mike has a girlfriend...his second since we split up. Guess I just dont get that. I mean, I know how he is, but still... I asked where he met these women (I was pretty sure I already knew), and the answer was online. Really? The thought of that just scares the crap out of me! I mean, he can do whatever he wants, but if he decides to bring my girls around her, then I need to worry. What do you really know about someone you meet online???

So I decided to check out the site he met them on. Its not set up as a dating site, but it sure looks like one to me. You dont have to pay, and its a way to "meet people", but still... He said he wasnt really "looking" for someone, but after seeing the site, I cant honestly believe that. I guess I just dont really get it.

Sure, I'd like to date someone...have someone to hang out with, spend evenings with when the girls are with their dad, but I just cant resort to looking online. The thought just creeps me out.

Anyway, I told him I'd just like to get the papers ready, get the quit claims done, and when I get a bit more money, I'll file the papers. It would be better all around to just have it done. I guess part of me worries what it would look like if I dated someone now when we're still legally married. Maybe I shouldnt care...we're apart, and its going to stay that way. So I just want to get it over with and out of the way. (Our 15th anniversary is Thursday.)
(Oh, and I have no doubt that if I asked him back, he'd come. I just cant do that again. I want to be happy, and I really want him to be happy too...we just cant do that together.)

10th Month Already

I cant believe October is here already. And its nice and chilly. Too bad it means it is inside too. Brrrrrr. :) (Its good football weather though...)

The girls want to have a Halloween party this year. I'll have to see what kind of shape the house is in by that time, but I'm up for it. I also REALLY want to have a new years party this year. I love having the room to do it, now if I can just get it finished up so its all usable!

Warming Up

The guy from Community Action came today to do the weatherization check on the house. We failed miserably. He couldnt believe how high the number was when he hooked the fan to the front door and measured the amount of air flowing through the house (with closed windows and doors). He said it was like leaving a 4' X 4' window open all the time. No wonder its so cold in here in the winter!
He also shut the gas off to the furnace. He said its not safe at all! Nice. It is original to the house though...

After all was said and done and checked, this is what he came up with:

-New boiler. A few new pipes where some have been replaced with plastic. They're not approved for the heating system.
-New hot water heater. This one is only about 2 years old, but the valve on it doesnt work properly, so it will get replaced. (and wrapped)
-Insulation blown in the attics.
-Insulation blown in all the outside walls. Unfortunately this means they have to cut holes in all the walls except the family room to do this. I guess its worth it to have a warm house.
-Take down old insulation in the basement garage and put in new insulation board, and blow it with filler. (more pipe work here, and a bit of electric work as well)
-Vent the dryer. Its not vented right now, and wasnt vented properly.
-Spray insulation around the top of the foundation and stick other insulation to it to fill in all gaps.

I will be so happy to get this done. I think it will make such a huge difference. I'll be anxious to see how much the bills go down.
He also told me to go to metropolitan housing to see about getting some upgrades done to the house...such as a finished bathroom in the basement and the bathrooms redone upstairs. I will probably go there next week to see what they can do.

I hate being poor. I really do. But its nice to know these agencies are out there to help me get things in order so I can make it.

Hoping...

They say patience is a virtue....I'll have to take their word for it...

It always helps

Tonight was the annual church hayride. They tried something different this year, and started games for the kids at 4. They had a blast. Then we ate at 5 (hotdog roast/carry-in). Then the hayride. The whole evening is just so much fun. Time to talk, have fun, forget about other things for awhile.
Plus the weather is finally cooperating and it feels like fall. We wore sweatshirts and jackets, and it felt nice to sit around the fire.

This weekend went way to fast though. I could really use another day to just rest.

Needing Something Happy

I'm just feeling blah. I have over a month until the levy vote. That is creating a lot of stress for me right now:
What can I do to be getting the word out, and getting people to really understand how important this is? What am I going to do about my kids education if this fails? What am *I* going to do if this fails? I dont want to think about it, it makes my head hurt, but I'm not sure what to do until I know the results.

Life is just a bit emotional right now. Lots of things going on, lots of things I'd like to have going on. :)

I need to get out and do something fun to get my mind off things for awhile.

Heavy Heart...

I went to the board meeting last night. I honestly could just sit here and cry today. I feel so bad. If the levy doesnt pass in November, my whole world (as well as the girls) is going to change. And I cant say its for the better.
They've proposed to close three elementary schools, and of course ours is one of them. They would have PK-3rd in AC, 4-6 at the current middle school, and 7-12 at the high school. Thats awful. The schools are going to be busting at the seams! On top of that, they'd lose 12 elementary teachers, 4 secondary teachers, possibly 1 special ed teacher, 3 secretaries, 3 librarians, 2 administrators, 3 custodians and some other aides. It just breaks my heart.
So not only will the girls all have to go to different schools, I would be out of a job...just as things are starting to look up, things are not looking real good right now.

I'm still not sure they're going about this entirely the right way. The two big things that hit Wooster hard were no sports/extracurriculars, and state minimum bussing. I didnt hear anything about those. I just dont know if it will pass with what they're proposing, even though its HUGE. I dont know how to get people to understand. I'm still considering an email to the superintendent. If they have considered those things, I'd like to know why they decided not to put them on the chopping block.

I dont know what I will do if the levy fails. Obviously I cant move, but I'm not sure I want my kids in this school district anymore. I cant believe I'm actually saying something like that. But they're planning on going to college. They need to have extracurriculars on their applications. They're super students academically, but they need the extra stuff too. What are they going to do in a school with no sports? No musicals? No marching band? No fall play?

I sure hope people open their eyes and see how important this is, and what they're denying our kids if this fails.

In the Blink of an Eye

How fast things can change. Thursday evening I was at JRL watching Brenna's volleyball game. The 7th grade game was over, the 8th grade team was just finishing warm ups when the principal came in the gym and announced that the tornado sirens were going off in town and we needed to get to the middle of the school now. So everyone left the gym and went to the middle classrooms to wait. And wait. And wait. It didnt look windy, just some rain. We had really been oblivious to anything going on outside besides a bit of rain. After about 20 minutes, we were given the all clear. I took the little girls and B and we went home. Ali was here with a friend... I was actually glad she wasnt alone. Thankfully the tornado didnt come near the school, or my house, but it hit about 5 miles up the road and did a LOT of damage. They classified it as an F-2. The most damage was to the OARDC/ATI and surrounding area, but it went further than that.
Tomorrow the church has organized a work crew to help a family from church whose house was hit. The insurance will take care of the house things (windows, roof, garage) but not the trees that fell in the yard (over 25). So I'm going to help, and hoping for a bit of firewood for next year. (I would go help even if I dont get any wood.)
We lost power for 22.5 hours. Thankfully that was it. There are some places still w/o electricity. We also didnt have school Friday since there was no electricity. That really stinks since 1-I dont get paid for it now, 2-we only get 3 snow days this year and we've used one already, and 3-I couldnt even do things around here like vacuum, laundry, dishes, etc. But it came back on a bit after 4 on Friday, so all is well now.
I'm just so amazed how fast things happened. I didnt even know what was going on, and couldnt find out for quite some time due to the power outage. I'm just glad everyone is ok.

Busy Fun Weekend

Saturday Dad and Sis came in for the fair. We got there a little after 9 Saturday morning. We walked through the barns, got Lerch's donuts, then got ride bands, and the riding began. The girls rode and rode and rode. They had so much fun. We stayed until at least 3:30 or so, and we were all pretty wiped out by then. Thankfully we made it out before the rain came that evening.

Sunday we went back to the fair for a bit and took Grandpa. We're not sure if he enjoyed it or not, but at least we all went together. We only stayed an hour or so, and he was tired.

Today there was no school because of the fair. There is no way I'm taking the girls on fair day. I'll probably end up going next year (if I can) to listen to the band since Alexis will be playing. This year we decided to go to the Cleveland zoo instead. It was a really nice day. We had great weather, it wasnt crowded, and met my brother there. It was fun.

Tomorrow is back to the grind.

Looking Up?

I have a happy heart this morning. Saw a post on facebook last night from my friend. He started a couple paintings last night and posted pics. It was so nice to see that. Then he IMd me. He said it was because of me that he painted last night. Its part of what I told him. He has started thinking of painting as a way to support him in his later years, instead of something fun and relaxing which is why he started doing it. I told him he needed to paint with that in mind instead of thinking it might be a "career" someday. So he did. I think sometimes someone else's point of view can help. I'm glad I can from time to time. :)

I talked to Patty at school yesterday and she said I can probably use the extra classroom from time to time so I'll have access to a smartboard. Yay! Now I need to come up with some ideas for that.

The fair is this coming weekend. I'm looking forward to it.

Getting It...

Its coming together. Getting ready to start week 3 and I have all the plans done except 3rd grade activity. (I have the book ready, just not sure what I'm going to do with it.) All the other classes are done for this week. I have a feeling we're going to be doing a lot of games with sight words and letters in the younger grades. They definately need that reinforcement!

Got another email from my friend. I'm hoping he can see where I'm coming from with the monotony causing depression. Even if its not causing it, it definately wont make it any better! I'm thinking about emailing Pastor Jack about it and seeing if he will email him...just to make contact. When I asked my friend about talking with Jack, he said he isn't opposed to it, but isn't sure about it because of the whole faith issue. He doesnt know where he stands with that yet.

So, things are coming together.

Better

This was definately a better week at work. I had things planned, the computer worked all week...it was good. Except for the heat. Holy cow it was HOT! We had like at least 6 straight days at 90+ degrees. Doesnt make for a fun time in an unairconditioned school. I took some of the classes outside to read to them, and one day they came looking for us because we missed a practice tornado drill. Lovely, lol.

Tonight was the homecoming. It was fun. We got there, ate, then I sat with Grandpa for awhile. Mom and Aunt Jackie went to get him. He had a great time. It was so nice that so many people came over to say hi. I know there are people that avoid people after they've had a stroke, but those people who came over really made his day. He will probably sleep all day tomorrow, but it was worth it for him to be out for awhile tonight.

I played bingo with Pennie, Heather and Stacie. It was nice to just sit around and chat with them for awhile. We're thinking about a trip to New York City over a long weekend to celebrate us all turning 40. Wow---40!

The downside to tonight is my poor kiddos. Alexis had to help clear tables for an hour or so, and when she was done she went to Mike's to sleep on the couch. She had a friend over, so she stayed at the homecoming and hung out with some other friends for awhile. We got ready to leave, and Alexis and Madelyn both have headaches and fevers. Mike took Ali's friend home and is keeping Livi overnight (she was so excited). Brenna was supposed to have a friend spend the night too, but she went to her house instead. Hopefully they'll stay healthy.

So here I sit in the peace and quiet tonight. Seems strange.