I need to just get a grip on my life and emotions. I'm letting things get all mixed up together, and then get overly emotional and irrational about things because I cant sort them out. I've done a lot of thinking the last few days, and I think what I've figured out is: I'm where I want to be. I dont want to try to work things out with Mike. Its been bad longer than it was good. Too many feelings have been hurt. We're actually getting along now, and can have a good relationship to show the girls, even if its not living together. We've both learned a lot since we've split...what we did wrong, what we could improve, what we could fix, (what we can do different next time) etc. But thats not entirely everything. Besides the emotional part of things, there's also the physical, and thats not something I can fix. Its not something I want with him, and I cant pretend for the rest of my life. And I'm not in love with him anymore. At best guess, I probably never was. I thought I was. I was infatuated. And thats not fair to either of us. Its not at all how I set out for things to be, but its how things are working out.
So why all the personal drama over the weekend? Because its what he represents that I miss. I miss the affection. I miss being close with someone. I miss having someone to lean on, to take care of, just to talk to. I'm missing something in my life. (The thing is, its been missing for much longer than I've been separated.)
It feels like a weight has been lifted. I feel like my head has cleared some. I feel a little more at peace. Maybe I can better accept a few things that have happened lately and just be thankful.
I'm on the right path.