Thursday, May 27, 2010

The next step...

They're doing a tracheotomy on Grandpa tomorrow at noon. I dont know what happens after that...if he stays in ICU or goes somewhere else where they'll work on getting him off the vent.

Emotional Roller Coaster Ride

What a difference a day makes...and then another.

After my somewhat positive visit with Grandpa on Tuesday, Mom called yesterday afternoon to tell me he was really bad, and they were going to take out the vent and let nature take its course. The doctors felt that he wasnt going to get any better, he wasnt waking up anymore, wasnt responding, etc. I explained things to the girls, and it was just an all around awful afternoon.

Then she calls this morning. When Aunt Jackie and Aunt Bobbi went in to see him this morning, he ws sitting up in bed watching tv, and watching people walk past his bed. I think thats the first time he's done that. It was such a complete turn around, I couldnt believe what I was hearing. Needless to say, they decided to leave the vent in. If he's the same tomorrow, then they'll do a trach.

I just cant believe what has happened the last 2 days with him. We spent yesterday afternoon in tears, preparing to say goodbye, and then today we're hopeful for the future. I just dont know where to put my emotions these days. It hurts so much to think about losing him, but its sooooo hard to stay optimistic and then have the bottom drop out from under you. But I cant just sit in the middle somewhere.

I'm going to go up to see him tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Happy Birthday?

I'm just not sure what to think anymore. I got to the hospital and went back to see Grandpa. He opened his eyes, and I really thought he was trying to squeeze my hand to let me know he knew I was there. But I just never know. No doubt he was moving, but why is the question. While his eyes were open, he was looking up towards the ceiling. I dont really know if he was looking at something or not, but he was pointing towards where he was looking. When he finally looked at me, I really thought there was a flash of recognition in his eyes. Its what I wanted so bad, so I didnt know if thats really what I saw, or if it was wishful thinking.

I just got off the phone with my mom. She asked me what I thought, and I said I wasnt sure. She said he was actually answering yes or no questions tonight...bearly, but he was trying. He was also making grunting noises like he was trying to talk. Well, when I was there, he was opening his mouth like he was trying to talk, but they have his vent and feeding tube taped across his lips now, and I thought maybe that was just bugging him. But now I dont know.

I was pretty depressed when I came home today. I dont know how much to say to aunt Jackie because I'm not sure she's as optimistic as some. So I left with that sagging feeling again. Now I'm not sure what to think. I guess we just wait to see what tomorrow brings.

(I did have a very nice lunch with Pam today, and many birthday wishes on Facebook, so those things helped keep my day bright.)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Exhausted, in a good way finally

Tonight was the sixth grade recognition dinner. I think a good time was had by all. Let me start at the beginning...

I got up this morning and went down to the elementary school to pick up the PTO money for the dinner. Then went to talk to Mr Richards to see if there were any more RSVPs. We chatted for a bit (and I found out someone added more to the envelope I sent to camp than what I sent). Left there and went to Pat Catans for some scrapbook stuff, and to price tablewear and such. Went to Factory Card Outlet to get balloons and price other stuff. Ordered the balloons...36 helium balloons. Went to Walmart. Got the punch, plates, cups, napkins, etc and the cakes. Went back to get the balloons. They started popping before I got them all in the van...they were filled soooo full. Back to Pat Catans to get the brown tablewear. Then home. By the time I got home, I had 6 balloons left. 6! Out of 36! $30 worth of balloons.
I had to stop to pick up someone's stuff for the scrapbook, then headed to the church to set up and decorate. By the time I got there, I had 5 balloons. We got everything set up, I called the store, and someone ran in to pick up the replacement balloons.
The dinner was great. Lots of food, lots of fun. Everyone got a kick out of Brenna's prophecy. I presented Mr Richards with the scrapbook, and he cried. So then I teared up. Then he got a standing ovation. He so deserves it! I'm going to miss him a lot.
We cleaned up after the dinner, and now I'm home. I'm tired. Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm not going to do much. I'm taking stuff down for the 6th grade to use for cleanup day, then going out for lunch with Pam. After that I'll probably go see my grandpa, and hope for something good for my birthday. I'm not going to Livi's game. I'm not sure what time I'll get home from the hospital. I'm going to come home and do laundry and relax and maybe work outside a bit.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sigh

Grandpa opened his eyes yesterday morning. He stayed awake for about an hour, then was asleep the rest of the day. Of course, all that happened before I got there, so I didnt get to see him awake.

We went up today and when I walked in I took his hand and said, "Hi Grandpa". He opened his eyes just a bit. He didnt keep them open for long though. So far they dont know if he realizes who is there or anything like that. He isnt really responding. But whenever someone else came back when I was there and talked to him, he'd open his eyes just a bit.

The intensivist told Aunt Jackie that he's surprised he woke up at all. They've been saying they thought he'd survive the stroke, but I guess they didnt mention that they didnt expect him to wake up.

So here's hoping for more small miracles.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Updates

Lets start with some good news today...my mom's CAT scan came back clean again!!! Woohoo! She's still dealing with some blood count issues, but at least there's still no cancer.

Grandpa is still doing about the same. On Weds the neurologist said he still feels he's going to recover from the stroke, but its going to be a long process. His fever came back today. The infection must not be gone yet. He still isn't responding. He did open his eyes today when the radiologist took the electrodes off his chest after the u/s on his heart. It makes me think he's feeling the pain or discomfort, so I just want to pinch him and say WAKE UP!

Brenna is home from camp. She had a great time. I knew she would.

I'm going up to see Grandpa again tomorrow. If all is still the same, I probably wont go Sunday. We have our mission trip presentation on Sunday, and then I'd like to get the garden put in before it gets too late.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

No Words...

I just dont even know where to start. I'm just so very sad. My grandpa wasnt any better today. He didnt open his eyes. He didnt smile. He just slept.
The doctor was in when I got there. He said its going to be a long process, but they're going to try to wean him off the vent over the next week to 10 days. But if they cant, they need to think about whether or not he would want a tracheotomy. They would hook the vent up to that then, but I dont know if that would be a permanent thing, or just another step. I'm not really sure what his expectations are, but he didnt seem all that positive.
The CAT scan today was still a bit worse...not a lot, but still....
I dont like to go back there and just sit and look at him. It feels so impersonal. I know they want him to rest, but I want him to know I'm there. So today I just sat by his bed and held his hand and cried for an hour.
I am an eternal optimist, but I'm also realistic. And I'm scared. He means the world to me, and I feel like he's slipping away. I'm not ready to lose him. I know its not up to me, that God has a plan...I just dont want him to suffer. I love him so much.
I just want to walk in tomorrow and have him open his eyes. I'd just like a little bit of good news for once...

Monday, May 17, 2010

Ups and Downs

I went to see Grandpa again today. He was sleeping peacefully, not at all restless like he was the last 2 days. They found out he has a UTI, sinus infection and pneumonia. So he's on antibiotics, and since his fever is gone, they think the infections/fever were causing the jitters. But he didnt open his eyes the whole time I was there. I just want him to open them. I want to see them. I want to know he'll respond.
They said the CAT scan was a little better...some of the bleeding was gone, but the clot was either the same size or just a tad bigger. They're giving him platelets to try to stop the bleeding. They'll do another CAT scan in the morning.

To comment on my last sentence from yesterday---we went to the hospital cafeteria for lunch today. They had a chinese bar today, and I had a fortune cookie with my lunch. My fortune said, "A long term goal will finally be accomplished.". Could it be....?

To be continued....

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Weekend Wonders

Grandpa is off the vent. I know thats a step in the right direction, but I dont really know how he's doing, or what the prognosis is. He was sleeping when I saw him the first time today, and seemed to be restless. He opened his eyes once, but I dont think he was really awake. I went back in later before I left, and they were telling him he had to leave his clothes on. He was taking his gown off. So they got him dressed, then restrained him again. I hate that. They also gave him something to relax, and he went back to sleep. I know at times he's answered questions, but he's never been awake enough when I'm there to do that. I'm still really worried.

I've been thinking about some other things this weekend too. When I got home from the hospital this afternoon, I spent a few hours working outside. I got the little patio done and the white furniture put on it. I dug more hostas and planted them up front, and finished the path through the flower bed. Its starting to look good. I was "talking" to my grandma while I was working. I hope she's happy with what I'm doing here, and that I'm raising my girls here. I still miss her bunches.

I've been having some converstaions with several people, and I'm trying to figure out what I want out of life. You'd think by now I'd know, but I dont. Well, I guess thats not entirely true. I want to raise happy, healthy, respectful girls. I want to be happy.
I guess what I need to decide is what I want out of life, and what I need out of life. I need a job to support us. I want a job that I like. The thing is, I have no clue what I want to do. I dont know that I want a career...I just want a job...something to do to get the money I need to be happy. I'm not materialistic...I dont need things.
I would like to have "someone special" in my life. Right now I think it would just be fun to hang out with people...go to dinner or movies, have a cookout, etc. I think someday I'd like to be married again. I know it would have to be someone really special...not every guy is going to be willing to be with someone who has 4 kids.
Someone said one thing to me today that really made me realize how far I've come in my life. Maybe its because I was so unhappy in my marriage for so many years... I've learned that it really doesn't matter what other people think of me...I have to be happy with me. And I'm 85% happy with me these days. The other 15% I'm working on right now, and I'm making progress.

There is one thing I know I want. I've wanted it for a long time...a very long time. It hasnt changed. I just have to figure out how to go about getting it....

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Sad

Last night started out nice. We went to church to help paint scenery for VBS. Got done there and went to watch the Little League team play. We had only been there a few minutes when I got a phone call that my grandpa was being taken to Aultman hospital. So I got a hold of mom, and she was going up with Aunt Jackie.
She called later to say he had had a stroke. He had fallen down the porch steps because of it, and someone drove past and saw him laying there. He was unresponsive at the hospital, so they transferred him to Aultman. He's on a ventilator, but he could answer yes and no questions last night.
I went to see him today. He was really agitated from the vent. They have him restrained because he keeps trying to pull the tube out. And because of all that, they keep him sedated most of the time...at least until they can take the tube out.
It really scares me to see him like that. It just reminds me of Grandma after she had her last stroke. I think I'll probably go up tomorrow to see him again for just a bit. I hope they can take the vent out. I think he'll be happier and more comfortable.
Sending lots of prayers to you Grandpa. I love you!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Future Planning

I had an interesting conversation with Alexis yesterday. We were in the van, and we found a copy of father-in-law's will. (Why it was in the van I have no clue) Alexis wanted to know what would happen to them if something happens to me, and I said they'd have to go live with their dad. She said "Not if he's married to some mean woman!". I just had to laugh, but I knew where that comment had come from.
Today I asked them if it was ok if I got married again someday. The first question was "To who?". (Um, like I have any idea at this point, lol.) I asked them if I'd have to ask their approval if I wanted to get married, and in unison they answered "Yes!".

Guess I have my critics looking out for me. :)

In other news, Brenna won the Gettysburg Address contest at school yesterday. She gets a $50 savings bond and will recite it at the community Memorial day service. (Alexis won last year!)

Monday, May 10, 2010

Progress

The hosta bed is coming right along. I'm loving seeing the progress! Its so fun. I have started a stepping stone (kinda) path through it, and have some hosta planted. But I need more. I still have some I can transplant from around here, but I'm not sure thats enough (although I'm not sure how much closer I can get to the tree with all the roots). When this bed is done, I'll move across the sidewalk and work on that area. The house is finally getting some curb appeal.

And to add to that---grass seed. Mike put it down today, so hopefully the rain they're calling for will come tomorrow and water it down in. I'm so ready for a yard and not a mud pit.

He also brought some 2x4s to start on Ali's bedroom. I'm so glad he's still going through with helping on this stuff. Its really not an easy time, and he's not going to be here to reap the benefits, but I'm very thankful he's still helping. I was even nice and fed him dinner for the work.

Glad for Monday?

This was a bit of a rough weekend.

I think I'm entirely too nice at times. Over the weekend, I questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing...not for me, but for everyone else. Are there too many hurt feelings? Do people deserve a second chance (or 1000th chance)? Then things happen, and it just confirms to me that yes indeed this is the right thing. Things will not change. I have done a lot of changing and growing in the past couple years. I've worked on my attitude, on my relationship with God, and I'm definitely in a better and happier place than I was a few years ago. But I can only change me. I cant change anyone else.

So I'm glad its Monday (at least this week). I'm ready to get back to the place I was before the weekend. I'm going to work outside today. Things are coming along, and it feels good.

And to top it all off, I've lost 24lbs so far, people are starting to notice, and that feels good too!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Understanding

Talk about ups and downs... I talked to Mike on the phone this morning. It was not a nice conversation. He threatened to be mean and nasty in the divorce if I didnt do things "his way". So it was not a fun morning. He called back a bit later and apologized. We have the kids to deal with together for awhile yet, so I dont want to hate him. I really want us to get along. He also asked if I was sure this is what I wanted. I think he might have been a little surprised when I said yes. He asked if I'd let him come back. I said no. He said what if he wanted to come back. I said no. It hasnt worked for 15 years, its not gonna work now. So if he doesnt know what he wants, what is he doing with someone else???
I do care about him, and even though he's been quite mean to me over the years, I want him to be happy. It just wont be with me.

He said he will come and help me get the stuff finished that he said he would...like Ali's bedroom (which he said he'd start soon), the shower/tub, the kitchen addition, and grass. I could probably put the bedroom together (with a little help) myself, but I dont have the money for the supplies. Same with the kitchen, although I'm not too sure about drywalling. The shower, well, thats not in my league.

I dont want to fight, I just want to get things done, get this over with, move on and be happy.

Rules?

Mike has a girlfriend. I found out today. He says its only been for a couple weeks, but I really think its been much longer. I wasnt sure what to think of this at first. I mean, there's no love lost between us, so what do I care. But then he asked a couple things that I thought were really inappropriate, and that got me thinking more.

What is the "appropriate" amount of time to wait before dating? This seems a little soon to me, as we havent even filed the papers yet. But its not like there's a chance we wont go through with it. Its not like something sudden happened and we just decided to split up. Its been a long time coming. But the thing is, he has SO many issues. Why did he jump into something already before he had time to really resolve some of those issues? He has no place to live. He doesnt know how he's going to have visitation. He says his kids are his first priority, but after what he said to me tonight, I really have to wonder. I know he loves them, but he seems to be wrapped up in other things now.

He said he'd help me finish up a few things around here. I hope he still means that. After that, I'll find someone else to help me. I think the less contact we have the better. I'm not going to ask him to take the girls to games or practices. If he offers, fine. Otherwise, I'll do it. If he decides to find a place to stay and wants the kids every other weekend, great. If not, we'll find something to do. I just hope he's not losing site of what's really important. I really think I'm the only thing stable in their lives. (But it would be nice to have an occasional weekend to relax and unwind, or go have fun.)

Friday, May 7, 2010

Really?

I have so much running around in my head right now. Something came to light today, and I'm not sure what to think of it. I need to sort some things out before I start putting things on here.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Thoughts...

Is Happiness a Choice?

Thats the question I heard on the radio today. My first reaction was to say yes. I listened to a few of the answers people gave, and I thought some were interesting. Some people thought yes, happiness is a choice. Some thought no. A few said joy is a choice, and happiness is the emotion that goes along with it. Here is something someone posted: "Happiness happens. Both words come from the same Norse root. Happiness comes from outward circumstances we like. Joy comes from the inside." So maybe a better question would be: is joy a choice? (or being joyful)

Things are a bit rough for me right now. It hasnt exactly been a cake walk up until this point either. Yet I've found things and ways to stay happy. I just cant be a negative person. Life is too short to focus on all the wrong things. I think trying to see the positive in all (most) things helps me stay happy. Of course there are always those days when something goes wrong or something happens to put a damper on life, but its how you choose to handle those things and deal with them that gets things back on the right track. It does no good to dwell on the past, or on things you cant control.

So in my mind, yes, happiness is definitely a choice.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

More Emotions

Why do I have to be the sensitive one???

Today is my grandma's 90th birthday. What an accomplishment. My uncle had a party at his house this afternoon, and it was wonderful to see all the people who showed up. There was a dvd with photos from her life, and what a lot she has seen. She isn't in the greatest health, and I dont know how much she remembers from day to day, so every day with her is a day cherished.

Sis's sale is over. Its bittersweet. I'm glad I dont have to spend all day sitting up there at the sale, but it also means its time for her to leave. I'm still so torn over this, so I will probably shed some tears over the next couple days. I think she'll be back for awhile soon, as my step-mom is going to Atlanta for a bit this month. I cant think Sis will stay there alone since my dad sleeps during the day and works at night. This whole thing is really tough for me.

The girls have really been a handful this week. The attitudes are through the roof. I'm at my wits end with them, so I think we might just have to have a family meeting this week. I dont know why we need all the moaning and groaning and complaining when you still have to do it. I also need a chore chart. I cannot continue to remind them EVERY day several times a day to do what they're supposed to do. Then they go to bed and I find things left undone and end up irritated. I'm really working on my patience with them, and the way I deal with things, but they dont make it easy sometimes. (Of course, even the worst days with them is better than any day without them!)

Brenna, Olivia and I got all the patio blocks moved yesterday and the swing set up. Of course, the weekend is now over and I sure didnt accomplish much else. I hope Mike will take the girls to their activities this week so I can continue to work outside every day it doesnt rain. (Tomorrow evening I have to take Brenna to open house at JRL.)

Still so much on the to do list.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

So Much to Do, So Little Time

Isn't that always the case????

Things I need to get done this week: paint the entry way/hallway. I had the paint, but never got to it. Now I dont have the paint, so I think I'll pick something different and have at it. I'd like it to be inviting, and not just a jumbled up mess of coats and shoes.

Start the hosta bed. I'm going to do this as soon as I'm off here. At minimum I want to move the patio blocks and get the swing out. I'd also like to lay out how I want the bed to be shaped.

Rearrange a few things. I'm getting the hutch from my grandma's, and I need a place to put it. Not really sure where that is going to be at this point, but I know something is going to have to be moved to make a place for it.

Finish CLEANING the family room. I have a good start on it, but there are things that need to be moved, and shelves dusted and rearranged, etc. I'm also getting Sis's tv, so the old one can go.

Put things away. I know I brought home too much stuff from Sis's, but I figure better safe than sorry. Its things I'll probably want or need, and its better to get them now for free than have to buy them later. I just need to find a place for them now.

I think I might be having dinner here on Mother's day, so thats why I need to get so much done. There may be a bit more family than just the usual Sunday dinner crowd, so I want things to be done and look awesome! :)

Off to get started.