Tuesday, May 18, 2010

No Words...

I just dont even know where to start. I'm just so very sad. My grandpa wasnt any better today. He didnt open his eyes. He didnt smile. He just slept.
The doctor was in when I got there. He said its going to be a long process, but they're going to try to wean him off the vent over the next week to 10 days. But if they cant, they need to think about whether or not he would want a tracheotomy. They would hook the vent up to that then, but I dont know if that would be a permanent thing, or just another step. I'm not really sure what his expectations are, but he didnt seem all that positive.
The CAT scan today was still a bit worse...not a lot, but still....
I dont like to go back there and just sit and look at him. It feels so impersonal. I know they want him to rest, but I want him to know I'm there. So today I just sat by his bed and held his hand and cried for an hour.
I am an eternal optimist, but I'm also realistic. And I'm scared. He means the world to me, and I feel like he's slipping away. I'm not ready to lose him. I know its not up to me, that God has a plan...I just dont want him to suffer. I love him so much.
I just want to walk in tomorrow and have him open his eyes. I'd just like a little bit of good news for once...

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